ink 'n cupcakes

Welcome to the ATL

2011-04-01T19:58:00.003-04:00

So I was all set to give a glowing post about how great life is right now, but shit just keeps happening.

Working out has been awesome, and I'm finally seeing the results I want - i.e. most of my closet fits me again! But of course, I somehow threw out my lower back and hips, so I've been in pain since Tuesday afternoon. Doesn't matter if I'm sitting, standing, or laying down. It just plain hurts, and stretching hasn't helped at all. And all I wanna do is keep working out! Grrr.

Last week, my dad called me to tell me they had to put our dog Prince down. He was thirteen years old, but incredibly healthy. Every time my parents took him to the vet's office, he would tell them that if he saw Prince just out on the street, he'd say he was 6 or 7 years old, certainly not 13. He had lost a bunch of weight when I saw him at Christmas, but when I visited just a couple of weeks ago, he'd gained most of it back thanks to extra food and doggy vitamins. I was unaware that would be the last time I saw him. Apparently he got a stomach virus, and he wouldn't eat or drink, even after my parents took him to the vet for medication. There really wasn't anything they could do for him. My dad said it was all very peaceful, but it still hurts. None of us expected it. I'd even had a dream earlier in the week that our 16 year old lhasa apso had died, but he's still going strong. This is the third pet I've lost this year. Shorty, one of my rats, passed back in January. She had a cyst problem that I couldn't prevent, and I was surprised she actually lived for as long as she did. Then a month later, my favorite rat, Tuxedo, died without warning one afternoon. She was the sweetest of my girls. We had bonded so well. She loved to sit on my shoulder and brux (the rat equivalent to purring) really hard. I have two new rats now, Cookie and Cream, but socializing them has been slow. I miss my girls. :(

Work has been insanely busy, and we haven't had much success finding another designer to join our team. I've seen way too many awful portfolios, and one promising recent AiA grad ended up having no web or Photoshop experience. It felt like I was going to have to take on the added burden of teaching him the basics while carrying more than a full-load of work. I actually have a friend that I used to work with interviewing this week, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he gets to join the team. It'll be awesome to lighten my load a little and have another person in the office to talk movies and music with.

And now to the shittiest thing that's happened so far this year - we were burgled yesterday while JJ and I were both at work. JJ called me at work around 5, asking if I had locked the front door when I left. I asked him why, and he said everything was gone. I started to freak out and told him to talk to the front office and call the police. Fortunately, one of my coworkers drove me home, and the police arrived just a few minutes after I did. They think it was just one guy. He somehow forced our deadbolt open with a piece of metal and shut our sweet Boston Terrier in the bathroom. He then grabbed JJ's Chrome messenger bag, filled it up with our PS3 and controllers, PSP, Roku box, my Toshiba laptop. He grabbed my gym bag from upstairs and went through my jewelry box, but fortunately, didn't think anything was super valuable. He stole our change bag, and walked out with our 32" flat screen TV. I feel so violated and angry. I keep thinking about someone rifling through all of our things while our poor dog is shut in the bathroom, wondering who this stranger is.

I know we live in the city, and it's to be expected, but I've always felt so safe here, partly because their just aren't that many people living around here. The whole complex is gated, although the parking lot gate was open all day yesterday because of rain. Our building has a key-code access, too, but the front office thinks that since it was the end of the month and people were moving out, someone could have easily propped that door open, and anyone could have slipped in. And despite this, I still love our home and I still feel safe. It's just a huge pain in the ass. We don't have the money to replace all that stuff, so we have to wait until we get a claim check from the insurance. Thank god I got renter's insurance, or we would have been screwed. And I'm frustrated, because that laptop had all my music and movies, plus The Sims. I haven't had time to play that in forever, and I knew JJ would be working tonight with the car, so I was so looking forward to finally having the chance to sit down with it. But no, it's gone. Fortunately I have this little work laptop, so we can still watch Netflix and Hulu on it... but it's definitely not the same.

Ugh! All I want to do is work out so I get my endorphins, but I can't because of my back. And I want to bake something to kill some time, but I don't want to undo my progress from working out. And don't worry, I'm not getting obsessive again. My diet's actually been pretty lax the whole time I've been working out. It's just when I'm not exercising that I try not to eat sweets. I'm sure by the end of the weekend, I'll feel so much better. But right now, I have a lot of emotions I need to process. I keep alternating between lots of anger (which I never feel), and just feeling sad and helpless. And the last time I felt like this was dealing with the aftermath of my rape 18 months ago. I don't enjoy being back in that emotional frame of mind, even though the feelings of violation and loss aren't anywhere on the same scale as the rape.

Here's to hoping the rest of the year proves to be more awesome.

Getting Real

2011-03-15T11:26:00.002-04:00

So again, I've been MIA for a couple of months. This is getting ridiculous, no? Things have just been all kinds of hectic, and there's more on that below. First, I want to do some ranting.

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I love being a vegan, and the fact that I haven't looked back in the 4+ years since making that leap is probably a good testament to that. I take it seriously. Yes, I really should get more involved in activism, but I'm shy, and dealing with all those people is just... ugh. I'm happy being behind the scenes, patiently answering questions from friends and coworkers, designing flyers for important causes, and definitely baking up a storm whenever there's a bake sale for the animals. I am deeply sensitive to the plight of the animals, to the point where my loving boyfriend JJ, also vegan, will try to shield me from seeing certain videos of animal abuse because he knows I'll cry. He gets it. I get it. Vegan is love.

But lately, everywhere I turn, it seems like vegan bloggers I follow are announcing that they are turning their backs on this compassionate way of life. They've apparently made peace with the slaughter of animals, so long as it is "ethical and sustainable". Articles keeps popping up like this one, advocating the support of small farms, and vilifying vegans that speak out and get mad at former veg-heads. New terms are being coined like "veganish" to describe omnivores that incorporate a certain percentage of vegan meals into their lifestyle.

Each time I run across these "justified" accounts of eating meat again or another idiot labeling their family as "veganish", I can't help but shake my head and think that they JUST DON'T GET IT! I believe that as humans, we don't have the right to decide the fate of other living creatures. Animals are sensitive beings with complex personalities, and science is proving this fact more and more everyday. What gives me the right to decide that this cow should not live any longer so I can wear some sexy leather boots or shove my face with a greasy burger? Why do my WANTS have more importance than another creature's LIFE? It's so effin' selfish! So all these former vegetarians and vegans, chowing down on their "humane" meat and dairy, smug with the knowledge that they aren't contributing to factory farming, never really got it in the first place. Their reasons were all wrong. And as for those "veganish" people? Wake up! Eat what you want to eat and live your lifestyle the way you want to, but don't start labeling yourself as something you're not. You can't even call yourself a vegetarian, so you're certainly nowhere near to being a vegan.

Veganism isn't just a food choice, it's a lifestyle choice. It's constantly checking the labels on everything from a bag of chips to a bottle of shampoo to a pair of shoes to see if any part of an animal is used. It's a compassionate choice that relies on education and being open to others. And I know this rant seems incredibly judgmental, but I actually don't judge anyone for their food/lifestyle choices. I love my friends and family just as they are. I just get mad when people try to label their selves as something they are not, especially when it's something I believe in so strongly. And I get mad when my choices are attacked because I'm unwavering on what I believe veganism is and refuse to "understand" that humanely-raised meat is ethically ok.

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Ok, I feel a little better now. So what's up with me? Why the absence from the blog? One word - depression. Yes, it returned with vengeance and knocked me sideways. It actually got so bad that when we moved our work office at the beginning of February, that first day I was fending off panic attacks left, right, and center. I was on the verge of tears until I got to my car in the evening, where I broke down. It was my body's way of telling me that I wasn't taking care of myself. Fortunately, JJ is incredibly supportive (and knows all about depression, so again, he gets it), and with all the tools I learned in therapy, I've been pulling myself back out of it.

It hasn't been an easy month and a half, by any means. But, I am in such a better place now. I finally started working out on a regular basis again - five times a week. In fact, I put together a 3-month workout plan. I keep working out if I know what workout I'm doing next. I'm even at the point where I wake up early to get it done and out of the way first thing in the morning, despite the fact that I'll never be a morning person. I think I must have been in denial about how much weight I had gained since the beginning of October when I stopped exercising after my half-marathon, and started stress-eating. Moving into our loft, the holidays, my work office moving, adjusting to the new commute and schedule, JJ getting an internship and having to readjust my schedule because we're now sharing my car... yes, that's an awful lot of stress and awful lot of pounds. Half the stuff in my closet still doesn't fit. But it will. And I'm not exaggerating. I actually divided my closet into what does fit and what doesn't so I'm not trying to put on a skirt or dress that's too tight, and then feel bad about my weight all day. Mind tricks, yay!

Anyway, with the exercise, I've been working on my diet a lot too. I'm back to drinking my green smoothies for breakfast which I load up with flax seed and maca, ingredients rumored to help depression. I'm also taking a vitamin D supplement with my multi-vitamin, another thing that helps depression. I snack on raw veggies, fresh fruit and homemade trail mix (raw nuts and dried fruit). My lunch is always some sort of whole food concoction - this week, wild rice/brown rice with roasted squash, sea salt, lime juice and agave. Dinner is usually more traditional because I'm either cooking for the both of us, or JJ is making dinner. But I'm eating smaller portions, and usually skipping dessert because sugar isn't appealing as often as it used to be. If I start thinking something negative about myself, I'll reverse it into a positive. It's all work, but it's working. My mood is a lot more stable, I have more energy, and I just feel much better about myself and my life. So yay. I just need to stay consistent with everything. When I stop taking care of myself and let the stress get too high, I start slipping back into depression, and I don't want to be there if I don't have to.

I still have more to share, but I'll save that for later. It'll be sooner rather than later, I promise!

Highs and Lows of 2010

2011-01-01T23:00:00.002-05:00

Happy new year everyone!

I know I've been in hiding for the last couple of months. I needed some time to adjust to everything going on - a new full-time job (after working part-time for about a year), commuting to and from Atlanta every day, apartment hunting with JJ, and then moving in together. Throw the holidays in that mix, and I was more stressed than I've been in a long time.

2010 was certainly eventful. I started the year out in a new relationship, feeling hopeful for the future. I was finally coming out of my depression and making progress in therapy. I was horribly broke, thanks to only working part-time and paying for my therapy out-of-pocket. But I was still excited about the possibilities. I started training for my first half-marathon and my speed was really improving. Instead of worrying about money and finding a new job, I just decided to enjoy my summer. I made the most of my free time by laying out at the pool with friends. I even made enough progress in therapy to feel great about wearing a bikini.

Life was feeling pretty good until I rolled my ankle during a 6-mile run on Memorial weekend. It ended up being a turning point in my year, in more ways than one. Having to lay off exercise, I started to have a tough time with everything again. My therapist wasn't worried that I was slipping. I just had to work a little harder at being happy. I finally started to examine my relationship with Saxon, and knew that it wasn't what I needed anymore. It was safe and comfortable, and we got on really well, but there was no passion, no love, and no emotion at all from him. I didn't want to be taken for granted anymore, so after a lot of tears and weighing my options, I decided to end things. It was strangely empowering to end a relationship on my terms, and to do it because I was looking out for my best interests.

And after that, everything turned around and started to fall in place. I met JJ a couple of weeks later, and we were instantly inseparable. I graduated from therapy. My freelance work started to pick up, and then out of nowhere, my neighbor helped me land my dream job. I ran my first half-marathon in an hour and 57 minutes, which made me ecstatic. I finally became a US citizen after living here for 13 years. Since I was having to commute at least an hour each way to my new job, I ended up spending a lot of nights over at JJ's. And when his lease was ending at the beginning of December, we both knew we'd be getting a new place together. Before we even looked at anything, we had our hearts set on the Mattress Factory Lofts. Lucky for us, they had just one one-bedroom loft available in the dog building. As soon as we saw it, it was love at first sight, and a month later, the day after Thanksgiving, we were moving in and calling it home.

I couldn't be happier about everything. I'm madly in love with JJ, and our home. With Slayer (JJ's Boston Terrier), it feels like we're a family. I'm still loving my job and I'm excited about what the new year will bring with that. And I have some great freelance opportunities coming up too.

So now that everything has settled down, I need to focus on myself again. I'm not making any resolutions for the new year, because we know those usually don't last. But, I'm making a couple of goals. My main one is to listen to my body. I'm getting back into working out consistently because exercise really is my antidepressant and stress-relief. And I'm paying more attention to my hunger cues, and making sure I eat mindfully again.

I have no idea what to expect for 2011, but I'm more than ready for it. Life is fantastic!

[Almost] Living the Dream

2010-10-11T12:21:00.004-04:00

So much exciting news at the moment that I don't know where to start.

A week ago, I officially ran my first half-marathon, and totally rocked it! That epic run deserves a whole post of its own, so look for that in the next few days.

To be honest, I would have written about it sooner, and posted that ice cream recipe (although I want to tweak it some more first), but I'm crazy busy now. As in, I'm working full-time again for the first time in a year! Finally!

So yes, I got the job at Aqua Blue Creative. Well, on a contract basis for now. For the last three weeks, I've been working Mondays at my old job, and working the rest of the week at Aqua Blue. And I really do love it! It's so refreshing to be working with creative people again, to be getting timely feedback on projects and having deadlines, and to be pushing myself creatively again. It's also utterly exhausting, but in a fantastic way. And I'm already getting back into the swing of things. I was actually getting a little frustrated with myself because I used to find it easier to think of new ideas and create new designs, but after a year of only working 3 days a week, and not even really working most of that time, it's no surprise that I was feeling a little rusty. Everything's come flooding back though. It's awesome to leave at the end of the day with new ideas churning in my head, and being excited to get back into the office the next day to make them happen. And the projects! I'd forgotten how great it is to work on a variety of projects for all sorts of different clients. It keeps everything so fresh and exciting. A lot of our clients aren't very corporate - they want cutting edge design - so I get to break out of that stuffy box all the time. The team is wonderful too. Everyone seems so genuinely happy to have me there, and it's so great not being the only vegetarian! And to make everything even better, I'm about to start working there on Mondays, too. Ahhhhh! I can't get over how excited I am by all of this. When I left art school with my degree in hand, this is the vision I had for myself - working in an upbeat agency in the city with awesome clients, lots of deadlines, and enough work to keep me constantly busy. It's taken 3.5 years to finally get where I wanted to go, but I wouldn't change that journey for a second.

So, if this couldn't get exciting enough, I have more fantastic news. Since I'm now working in the city, I've been staying over at JJ's place quite a lot. I'll take a 5-mile commute over a 30-mile one any day. His lease is up at the end of November, and he and his roomates are going their separate ways. This is the perfect opportunity for us to get our own place in the city (something I've wanted to do forever, but was never practical before)! We've only known each other for 3 months, but this is just so right.

JJ went camping earlier this week, so he didn't have much cell phone signal for a couple of days, and it was pure torture. I felt like part of me was missing. My evenings were so empty because I wasn't getting to hang out with him or talk to him on the phone for a couple of hours. And to be honest, it shocked me a little. I can remember when I was dating James, and he'd leave for a week, he'd call me every night and want to talk for hours on the phone, and I used to get so frustrated, because that was the last thing I wanted. It was the only time I felt free in the relationship, and consequently, when he would return, I'd be all grumpy because he was invading my space and wanting to spend time with me.

But with JJ, there's no work, or feeling like I need a break from him. From the moment we say goodbye to the moment we see each other again, we miss each other. So often, we have the same thoughts or ideas about something at the same time, and I can't tell you how many times JJ's called me while I've been in the middle of sending him a text message. We're on the same page, ALL the time. It's beautiful. Recently I read or heard somewhere that when it's meant to be, it really is easy. We all hear about how much work relationships take, and yes, I know that sometimes you do have to compromise, and that you need to keep communication open and always consider your partnet as well as yourself. But I've put an awful lot of work into some really shitty relationships, and it never got me anywhere, other than feeling like I couldn't leave because I had put in all that work. But eventually, hopefully, you meet someone, and they take your breath away, and climb inside your heart and soul, and you can't imagine spending a day apart from them. They make it so easy to love them, and to be loved. And you just know. I honestly believe you do.

So soon, in December, I won't be [almost] living the dream. It'll be the real deal.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2010-09-13T12:26:00.004-04:00

I have no idea where the last 6 weeks went. Actually, that's a small lie. I've been squeezing out every last minute that I can when I get to see JJ. Now that he's back at school, and still working, we've been lucky to see each other twice a week. But when we do, it's completely magical. I'm falling head-over-heels in love. I want to run around and shout it from the rooftops. My usual very-independent streak that runs through my relationships has completely disappeared. We text through-out the day, talk for hours on the phone every night, and we're inseparable when we get to hang out. It's all so needy, and I can't stop craving it. The first time I catch sight of JJ, whether on Skype, or when he opens his apartment front door, my heart leaps and my breath catches in my throat. He's just so fucking gorgeous, inside and out. We just get each other.

And I love love love that he's a vegan. Before JJ, I was perfectly happy to date omnivores. Sure, it was a lot more work, but as long as they were open-minded, I honestly believed it wasn't something that mattered much to me. But in just 9 weeks, all that has changed. Food is such an important part of life to me - I think you can't get much more romantic than cooking a meal together. If I'm stressed and running hasn't eased my mind, spending a couple of hours in the kitchen either cooking or baking completely calms and centers me. I adore seeing the enjoyment of others when they chow down on some ridiculously delicious cake I've baked. And I know that when I finally have my own house, the kitchen will be one of the most-used rooms. When I lived with James, it actually offended me that we had to keep our food items separate in the pantry!

So yeah, food is a big deal. I've turned into Betty Crocker since JJ and I started dating. In the last 2 months, I've baked a few batches of chocolate chip cookies, a couple of batches of my Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies, cinnamon rolls (that were finally amazing!), oatmeal cream pies, blueberry hand pies, Carrot Raisin Spice Chewies and Chocolate Peanut Butter Pillows from Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar, a peach mango cobbler, and chocolate chocolate chip brownies. I've also made peanut butter frozen yogurt, and just this weekend, I created a totally vegan version of Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked ice cream (half vanilla ice cream with chocolate chip cookie dough and half chocolate ice cream with brownie chunks). I promise to post that recipe, or guide, soon! And I can't even begin to tell you about the joy of eating out. We're hooked on Green Sprout, and pretty determined to try everything off the menu. We've had the blueberry cornmeal vegan pancakes at Stone Soup Kitchen, and tried the Vegan Deluze pizza at Village Pizza (yummy, but too much faux pepperoni for my tastes). The Midtown Mellow Mushroom has Daiya, so now we're hooked on their pizza. Seriously, I dream about that crust (just be sure to hold the parm and garlic butter when you order it). And we cook for each other.

And obviously, it's not just about the food. JJ clearly is as passionate about the whole cruelty-free lifestyle as I am. Man, I told you I was head-over-heels. I can't stop gushing about him! Or stop glowing, for that matter. Now, before I completely melt in a puddle of hearts and rainbows, I'll fill you in on everything else.

Three weeks ago, my grandmother died. She was an incredibly strong and feisty woman, and she lived a wonderful 91 years. Other than when she birthed her four children, she had never been in hospital until the last couple of weeks of her life. And she was able to celebrate her 60th wedding anniversary with my grandfather before he passed away several years ago. When I think about growing old, I definitely look up to her. She never lost her sense of humor or her mischieviousness.

Because all of our family is still in England, we decided to fly back for the funeral. We only spent 5 days in England, and it was a total whirlwind. Despite the sad occasion, it was wonderful to see family that I haven't seen in years, and we got to celebrate my grandmother's life together. This was also my first time being back in England since going vegan, and I was incredibly surprised at how easy it was. We flew with British Airways, and they let you request a vegan meal on their website. Just be sure to do it more than 24-hours before your flight. When we checked in, my boarding pass even had VGML (the vegan meal code) printed by my seat number, and all of the food was labeled with the code too. I definitely enjoyed being served before everyone else! And the food was really quite good. On our flight out to England, I had a salad, a bread roll with vegan margerine, fruit salad, fruit snacks, and ratatouille with grilled eggplant slices and a creamy (soymilk) sauce. Flying back to Atlanta, I had roasted veggies with mushrooms and tomatoes served on couscous with another roll, another salad, and pineapple slices served with soy yogurt and chopped pistachios. While we were actually in England, we had an amazing Thai meal in Gosport (and they had an entirely separate vegetarian menu), and I had a fantastic vegetarian chili with baked potato at The Mermaid (an upscale pub) in Bexhill. At the grocery store, I was impressed with everything being labeled as "Suitable for Vegetarians & Vegans", and I actually picked up several packets of fake meat mixes that just require water to be added for about $1.50 each! Dairy-free white chocolate buttons are amazing too!

On the work-front, I'm still working my part-time job. I've had a little flurry of freelance work that's been keeping me busy when I haven't been spending time with JJ, and I actually had a really awesome interview with a creative agency in Atlanta on Thursday. They asked if they could send me small projects to work on while I put in my notice, so I'll be surprised if I don't get the job. I'm definitely keeping my fingers crossed. Being able to work full-time again and have paid time off and health insurance would be me amazing! The company also does some really creative projects, so I could finally break out of just doing very corporate design. Plus, I'd finally be able to move out again, and live in the city... maybe even with JJ! This could very well be the break I've been waiting for.

And finally, my half-marathon is almost here. Yikes! October 3rd is fast-approaching, and I definitely haven't trained as much as I should have, thanks to my Memorial weekend injury. Although my ankle is totally healed now, I definitely lost some of my speed and my mental preparedness for long runs while I was down for the count. It's been a struggle getting back into it, and the trip to England didn't help my training much. I was only able to sneak in one 4-mile run while we were there. My original goal was to run my first half-marathon in a sub-2-hour time frame. In light of my injury, and my training since then, that's now become a secondary goal. At this point in time, my main goal is to run the full 13.1 miles without stopping for a break or to walk. If I'm keeping a steady pace, and it looks like it's possible to still run it sub-2 without injuring myself, I'll definitely strive for it. But, there will be other half-marathons, and plenty of time for me to be mentally and physically prepared to meet time goals in future races. I have an 11-12 mile run scheduled for this weekend, and a 10-miler scheduled for next weekend (with several shorter runs during the week, too). I can do this!

Opening Doors

2010-07-28T10:00:00.004-04:00

Where has the last month gone?! It has been an interesting one, to say the least. It also served as a fabulous reminder that when one door closes (read: when it feels like the shit is about to hit the fan), another one opens.

For instance, when I ended my relationship over a month ago with my ex, I was NOT looking forward to dating again. I'd willingly left something that felt very comfortable and safe to me, and for a while, I thought I had made a huge mistake. But, when you're leaving after 7 months of a really good time, and your partner doesn't even attempt to stop you, there's no reason to stay. As a distraction to missing him like crazy, I decided to update my profile on OKCupid. I had no intentions of dating already, but I thought it would just be fun to see who was out there, strike up a few conversations, and meet a few people so that when I was ready to start dating, I'd be able to keep my social anxiety at bay. Did I mention how much I dislike the act of meeting new people? Well, everything was going according to plan. I struck up some interesting conversations with people I thought would make good friends, and even met a couple of them in person. It wasn't nearly as difficult (or desperate) as I remember from the past. I actually enjoyed myself. And while I still attract a lot of undesirables, it seemed like there was some really quality people interested in me too. My self-confidence was finally shining through.

Bearing all this in mind, when a very hot guy messaged me exactly three weeks ago, I was thrilled. We had so much in common, too. We quickly started texting back and forth, and being totally out of character for me, I asked him if he wanted to meet the next day. He did! We met up in Little 5 Points, and walked around, talking for hours. There was such an obvious connection there that ran far deeper than physical attraction. We got to talk about art and books and movies. We joked and teased and held hands. And to top it all off, he's almost-vegan. Finally, someone with the same cruelty-free outlook on life as me! So anyway, that first meeting was almost magical, and we've been seeing each other ever since. I had no plans for this, but I'm loving every minute. I haven't had this intensity or passion with someone since my first love. And I've already decided that I'm completely opening myself up and feeling absolutely everything, whether it be amazing or awful. That's the only way to experience life. And I know some people are thinking that I'm rebounding or that I'm just incapable of being single. Trust me, I've thought about those things too. But why should I wait around for a socially-acceptable amount of time and pass up the opportunity to spend time with someone that makes me feel amazing and special? Do you know how wonderful it is to have someone look deep into your eyes and tell you that you're beautiful after just meeting you two hours ago? I never heard that once from my ex in 7 months! So convention be damned!

Another door that is getting ready to close involves my career. It's no secret that I've been actively job-hunting for about a year now. Sure, I love my freelance clients, but between them and the part-time design gig I have at the moment, I'm always broke. I hate stressing about money, and I'm unfulfilled at work. I'm here 3 days a week, and there's usually not enough to keep me busy for even one of those days. Because my clients are always thrilled with my work, I believe it's the economy that's preventing me from finding a new design job.

Well, on Friday, my boss pulled me aside and said that he'd noticed that my heart really isn't in my work anymore. I couldn't argue with him - I'd been feeling that way for about a year now. Killing time, a distinct lack of creative direction, and 70% of projects not seeing the light of day make for an unhappy Steph. In light of this revelation, he suggested the possibility of moving me to a purely freelance/contract basis. This scared the hell out of me because I'd been unsuccessful thus far with finding full-time work, and because I'm barely scraping by each month. I racked my brains all weekend, and Monday morning, I decided to e-mail my old boss at the ad agency I left to work at my current job. He was thrilled to hear from me, and yesterday, I swung by the agency to catch up. It was really fun seeing old coworkers again, learning that they still have a lot of the same clients I used to work on projects for, and seeing how much had changed in the last 2 years. It turns out that one of their designers is pursuing a photography project in August, and will only be available on a freelance basis, so my timing couldn't be any better. We talked about starting me out on a freelance basis, and working it into a full-time gig. I should know more in the next week or so. In a way, it feels like I'm going home, and I'm so excited about it!

So yes, the last month has been epic, and I really hope it stays that way.

Zucchini Fail

2010-06-28T12:34:00.002-04:00

So this weekend, after an awesome Friday night out on the town with one of my best friends, I decided to be a total homebody. I'm naturally very introverted, so with the exception of very few people, I need some alone time after being social with anyone for a day/evening, even if it's just hanging out with friends.

Anyway, on Sunday, I finally made it into the kitchen to whip a batch of gluten-free zucchini muffins. I followed this recipe to a T, replacing the 2 eggs with 2 tbsp of flax seeds nuked with 6 tbsps of water. And, since the baking part of our oven is out of commission (we get a brand new one on Thursday!), I opted to use my mum's fancy toaster oven. Now, it's hard to judge what exactly went wrong, but these babies just didn't bind well. They were moist, spiced beautifully, and the cranberries and pistachios (instead of ginger) were delicious add-ins. However, due to a combo of an unven baking pan for the toaster oven and using the foil cupcake liners because I didn't have a cupcake pan small enough to fit in the toaster oven, magic was not made. I'm looking forward to trying these again in a real oven with a cupcake pan. And I'm still trying to decide whether to use the flax eggs again or egg replacer in the next batch. Hopefully I get more zucchini in my CSA box this week! Once I bake a prettier version, I'll definitely post them here.

My Sunday kitchen exploits were not a total fail. I also whipped up a deliciously spicy dahl, with enough leftovers for lunch everyday this week!

I modified this recipe to include a bunch of veggies I needed to use up.

Quick & Easy Spicy Dahl
5-6 hearty servings if eaten alone, or even more servings if eaten with bread or rice!

8 oz red lentils
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 onion, finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
2-3 tablespoons vindaloo curry paste
400g (14-15 oz) can diced tomatoes
400ml (14-15 oz) can coconut milk
4-5 cups assorted diced veggies (I used mushrooms, potatoes, zucchini and yellow squash)

1. Cook your lentils according to directions. Meanwhile, steam your potatoes first, and then your squash until tender. (I steamed the potatoes for about 12 minutes, and the squash for about 5 minutes).

2. Heat oil in a large pan over medium heat, and add chopped onions and garlic. Saute until the onions start to soften.

3. Stir in pre-steamed veggies and mushrooms, then add in vindaloo curry paste. Stir for a minute.

4. Add can of tomatoes and cooked lentils, and make sure everything is well incorporated.

5. Add coconut milk to create your desired consistency, and heat through. I added the entire can and once it started boiling, I let the mix simmer for 15 minutes. Then I took it off the heat, and the whole dish thickened up after cooling for about 30 minutes. However, if you only add a little coconut milk, you can skip the simmering and cooling steps.

Enjoy alone, or serve with your favorite Indian bread and rice!

Hanging out in the kitchen was an enjoyable way to spend my Sunday. I'm so used to throwing a hearty salad together for dinner, or just mixing some veggies and beans with quinoa, that it was refreshing to dedicate more than a few minutes and a glancing thought to food.

Bittersweet

2010-06-24T19:50:00.005-04:00

Wow, this has been a crazy week... and as such, no zucchini bread yet. I want to look for a gluten-free recipe.

Anyway, most awesome news ever - my brother got engaged last night! I'm so excited for both him and his beautiful fiancee Mikala. They really do make a perfect couple, and Mikala is a great addition to our family. I finally get a sister! I can't wait for 09-10-11. It shall be a beautiful day.

In less awesome news, I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months earlier this week. I'm not gonna lie - it was a tough decision, and one that definitely hurts. A lot. Seeing him today to collect some of my stuff from his place was not easy. While I was with him, I kept it together, but the tears started as soon as I left. I've loved him for a while now, and he's almost exactly what I want in a husband. But, while I'm ready to discuss marriage and raising a family, he's not even ready to think about the future, let alone decide if he wants marriage and kids with me. So, we've parted on good terms, and I'm proud of myself for sticking up for what I want, and actually leaving a relationship, instead of compromising and staying because I'm too scared to leave. I've definitely made progress with therapy. In fact, through-out this whole stressful and upsetting process, I haven't craved comfort-eating once. I haven't been compelled to eat anything sugary I can find, or to just stuff my face until I'm numb. If anything, my "comfort foods" have changed. Mashed avocado on toasted rye bread or cinnamon raisin toast with Earth Balance (vegan margarine) have replaced the cookies, cakes, and ice cream I used to love. And this is all a little surprising. I knew I'd recover from my bulimia, and that I'd come to terms with my bodyweight, but I thought I'd always have emotional eating hanging over me. It would be something to manage, but never cured. And I can actually say I love my body, and I love myself. I have self-confidence and an awesome support network of family and friends.

So yes, I'm hurting right now. But in time, I'll find my someone that will fight for me, and love me, and help me raise an adorable vegan family. Until then, I'm just going to enjoy what comes my way, and keep working on my goals.

Zucchini bread to come this weekend.

Stress-busting Cookies

2010-06-21T10:16:00.002-04:00

I've been MIA, but for a good reason. I've been Little Miss Crankypants since Memorial weekend. That Saturday, while halfway through an awesome 6-mile run, I managed to roll my ankle and damage the tendons in my foot. My whole foot was swollen and bruised for a good two weeks, and there's still some residual pain. This has meant that I haven't been able to run since my injury, and running keeps me sane! Well, any cardio keeps me sane, but I'm definitely banned from anything strenuous until the pain magically disappears. Unfortunately, yoga and swimming just don't give me the same kind of endorphin rush.

On top of my depressingly inactive lifestyle this month, I've also been suffering from lucid recurring nightmares and/or insomnia. I almost got into a car accident early last week because my attention span has been so badly affected. Fortunately, using a bunch of helpful tips from my therapist, I've managed to get a few nights of decent, nightmare-free sleep in the last week, and I'm feeling so much better - physically and mentally. Yay!

So, in order to cope with some recent stress in a non-athletic way, I baked cookies. These were totally epic, and the perfect chocolatey way to bring some comfort into my life.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies
Adapted from Vegan With a Vengeance
Makes 12 gigantic cookies, 24 large cookies, or 48 regular cookies

Ingredients
2 cups flour
2 cups oats
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
3/4 cup canola oil
3/4 cup Dark Chocolate Dreams peanut butter (or any other chocolate peanut butter)
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup non-dairy milk (I use hemp or coconut milk)
2 tsp vanilla
1 cup vegan chocolate chips

Directions
Preheat oven to 350F.
Combine flour, oats, baking powder and salt in a bowl.
In a second bowl combine remaining ingredients.
Combine wet and dry and stir well.
Bake 12-15 minutes, until cookies have puffed up a bit and are lightly browned. Cool 10 minutes before transferring off of cookie rack.

Sorry for the lack of pictures! These disappeared in a camera-less weekend. I'll be getting my boyfriend's old 3GS iPhone this week when he gets his new 4G, so I won't have this excuse anymore! And check back later this week for a zucchini bread recipe. I have a ridiculous amount of zucchinis hanging out in my fridge right now.

It's Bananas!

2010-05-11T20:26:00.003-04:00

I love banana bread, and if I haven't blended up all my very ripe bananas in my usual morning smoothie, I'm more than happy to get out my mixing bowls and loaf pan. However, for whatever reason, it has never occurred to me to add cocoa powder.

About a month ago, I stumbled across the Suitable for Consumption blog. It's definitely not vegan, but her Cocoa-Nana Bread recipe sounded unbelievable. So, with some bananas turning browner by the minute and the second annual Atlanta Vegan Bake Sale coming up, the timing was perfect.

It was actually really easy to veganize this recipe. I doubled it and ended up with 36 large muffins. Don't even get me started on how decadent and delicious these are!

Vegan Cocoa-Nana Bread

Makes 18 muffins

2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup cocoa powder (preferably NOT dutch-processed)
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup canola oil
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large ripe bananas, mashed
3/4 cup unsweetened non-dairy milk (I used So Delicious Coconut Milk)

1/2 tsp apple cider vinegar

3 ounces bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped, or 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350F and line a muffin pan with paper liners.

2. Whisk the milk and the vinegar together, and set aside to curdle.

3. In a large mixing bowl, mash your bananas with a fork. Mix in the oil, sugars, and milk-vinegar mix, and stir until well-combined.

4. Sift in your dry ingredients - flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda, and salt, and only stir until everything is combined.

5. Stir in the chocolate chips.

6.Fill the muffin liners with about 2/3 full and bake for about 23 minutes.

These babies rise beautifully, and they'll disappear pretty quickly!

And the winner is...

2010-05-11T13:48:00.004-04:00

And the winner is...

Gillian! Her personal favorite is the Chocolate Hazelnut Coconut Bliss. Mmmm. Please email your full name and address to timms.steph@gmail.com so I can send you your coupons.

And to everyone else, thanks for commenting! I hope you'll stick around for my awesome Chocolate Banana Chocolate Chip Bread recipe I'll be posting later today.

Ice Cream Crazy!

2010-05-03T15:59:00.005-04:00

I am back from the beach, and unfortunately, my vacation is completely over. This break was just what I needed. At long last, my creativity has finally returned! I've been struggling with creative block for what feels like the better part of a year now, which is incredibly scary when you work in a creative profession. I see it as a sign that my depression has well and truly passed again. Yay! Now I feel refreshed and ready to tackle a whole slew of exciting new projects. I'm inspired and bursting with energy. This rocks!

A few weeks ago, the wonderful people at Luna & Larry's Coconut Bliss sent me coupons so I could try two of their delicious pints and review them on my blog. I've already tried their Vanilla Island, and it's definitely my go-to flavor when I need a sweet, creamy pairing for apple pie or fudgy chocolate brownies. As soon as the coupons arrived, I headed to my nearest Whole Foods and picked up Chocolate Peanut Butter and Cherry Amaretto. I also picked up a pint of Tempt's Coffee Biscotti to try. I couldn't wait to dig in!

The first flavor I tried was the Chocolate Peanut Butter. Let me just preface this review with the fact that I am a peanut butter addict. I cannot make a jar of peanut butter last longer than a week, and if it's a jar of PB&Co's White Chocolate Wonderful or Dark Chocolate Dreams, I'm lucky if I can make it through the weekend. Needless to say, I was thrilled to try this flavor. I heeded the recommendation the packaging to let the ice cream sit out for a few minutes before serving. It's so much easier to scoop. My first spoonful was just chocolate ice cream, and I was surprised by just how rich it is. I usually prefer my chocolate to be sweeter, but in my next bite, I hit a glob of peanut butter. The smooth salty peanut butter mixed with the rich creamy chocolate was totally amazing. It was hard not to eat half a pint then and there!

Eager to try the Cherry Amaretto, I was a little disappointed by the flavor on my first bite. I was expecting a strong cherry flavor after the richness of the chocolate in the Chocolate Peanut Butter. However, after a few bites, I really started to enjoy the subtleties of the almond and vanilla flavors swirled with chunks of real cherry. This is definitely a more sophisticated flavor, and perfect for a warm spring evening.

Next up, I tried Tempt's Coffee Biscotti ice cream. I can't stand the taste or smell of coffee drinks, but coffee ice cream is a whole different story. One bite of this creamy bitter-sweet ice cream flecked with chunks of chocolate biscotti, and I was in non-dairy heaven. This new dessert catapulted itself into the top spot on my favorites list.

I wasn't planning on trying any more ice cream for this post, but I stopped at a different Whole Foods right before vacation and found a pint of Luna and Larry's Pineapple Coconut. I have a giant pineapple tattooed on my left arm, so yeah, I couldn't pass this one up! And after taking my first bite, I was soooo happy I did pick it up. Oh my goodness, this flavor is divine. Pina colada in ice cream form! The texture and the flavor are so perfect. The pint lasted three days in my hands. Oops!

It's so exciting to be trying all these new non-dairy ice creams, and I especially love the ingredients in all of the Luna & Larry's flavors. Everything is organic, natural, and sweetened with only agave. Coconut milk is an awesome form of healthy fats, too. I'd definitely recommend trying any of their flavors; you're sure to find one that you adore.

And to help you discover your favorite flavor, I'm giving one lucky reader two Luna & Larry's free pint coupons. All you have to do is leave a comment about your favorite ice cream flavor by midnight next Monday (5/10/10).

At the Beach

2010-04-27T09:20:00.003-04:00

I'm at the beach this week! Surfside Beach in South Carolina, to be exact. Saxon's parents own 5 weeks at a particular condo every year, and this just happened to be one of their weeks. We couldn't turn down a free vacation!

We arrived late Sunday night, after dropping off Saxon's dog at his parents place in Irmo, SC, and also eating dinner with his family. I got my first actual taste of the beach yesterday afternoon after staring longingly at it from our balcony. There were a lot of storm clouds and wind, so I ended up retreating to the private pool instead. I still made it into the ocean! And subsequently got knocked over by giant waves. I forgot about sand's ability to get in everywhere.

We don't have any other plans for the week - just relaxing, and that's perfectly fine by me. I just want to get a few more runs in (I managed 4 miles yesterday despite the midday heat) and read as many trashy medical thrillers as I can.

Have a great week, everyone!

Georgia Tech Pi Mile!

2010-04-19T12:49:00.004-04:00

So, as a totally spur of the moment thing, last week I signed up to run the Georgia Tech Pi Mile. Well, it wasn't totally spontaneous. The boyfriend had to be there at 5:45am to work it, so I figured it'd be a good opportunity for me to run a bigger race than my first 5K I ran back in March. I didn't really prepare in any way whatsoever, other than getting a couple of runs and some weight training in during the week.

I knew going into this 5K that I wanted to run it in 26 minutes, which would equate to 8:16 min/miles. I figured that when I'm just running regularly, I hover between 8:30 and 9:00, and push myself more for distance than speed, so 26 minutes sounded like a doable challenge. I was definitely a little nervous about the number of people, over 1000!, since my first race was with barely over 200 people. I was also pretty tired because a 5am wake-up call isn't pretty.

Around 7:45am, I saw people heading over to the start line, so I made my way over there. We told to seed ourselves accordingly, so I aimed to place myself in the middle of the pack. However, more and more people kept showing up, so it felt like I was way too far in front. I synced up my Garmin (now nicknamed Greta) and patiently stood there, feeling kind of anxious. Before I knew it, the race had started and I held my own pretty well in the beginning crowd.

As we hit the 2-lane road, the crowd started to thin out, and I was surprised to see that I was running faster than usual. I kept to the outside and definitely passed quite a few people, especially going up-hill. I have really strong legs, so it felt awesome powering up those hills while others were slowing down. Around Mile 2, I checked Greta and was pleasantly surprised to be sitting at around 16 minutes. This meant I was actually running faster than my goal! I just hoped I could keep the momentum going. After another half-mile, my energy definitely started flagging, and my right shoulder was feeling really tight. My head was telling me to start slowing down, but I knew my body could keep the pace I was at, so I ignored those thoughts and focused on my breathing. As the finish line came into view, I had my last final push and smiled big at my boyfriend as I crossed it. To my delight, Greta read 25:00:04! Since it was 3.14 miles, my pace ended up being 7:56 min/mile! My best running time yet. Running a sub-2hr half-marathon in October is looking more and more plausible.

Post-race, I enjoyed a pear while listening to the awards and raffle prizes being announced. I hung around while Saxon helped clean up tables and signs, and then we headed to the Flying Biscuit for a well-deserved breakfast. Their tofu scramble and fruit cup definitely hit the spot.

The rest of the weekend included violent-movie watching - Smoking Aces, Kick-Ass (loved it), and Zombieland (surprisingly loved it), Thai food, nachos, dogsitting, and plain old laziness. I couldn't ask for more.

This week, I'm planning on veganizing a Chocolate Banana Bread recipe I discovered recently, and reviewing some new (to me) ice creams. Yummy!

I'll leave you with photographic proof that I don't make running look easy! (I'm in the pink, obviously)

Vegan Orange Chocolate Chip Cake

2010-04-08T21:34:00.006-04:00

Back to blogging, woo! And I actually have stuff to tell you all. Are you excited? ;)

A month ago, the fabulous Leigh and Ken of Cosmo's Vegan Shoppe organized a free screening of the documentary Fowl Play in Atlanta.

Fowl Play is a documentary from Mercy For Animals that takes viewers on an unforgettable journey behind the closed doors of some of the country's largest egg production facilities and graphically illustrates the heartbreaking plight of laying hens condemned to lives crowded inside file-drawer sized cages. Through touching interviews with animal rescuers, undercover investigators, veterinarians, and animal behaviorists, we hear powerful stories motivated by kindness and courage from the dedicated individuals who are fighting to save the modern day hen- perhaps the most abused and exploited animal on earth. Connecting the dots between consumer demand for meat, dairy and eggs and the perpetuation of animal abuse, Fowl Play leaves viewers with a groundbreaking message of personal responsibility and the potential each of us holds to change the world- one meal at a time.

I really wanted to go because these kinds of documentary help to educate me, so that when people ask about a certain part of veganism, I can explain why the egg industry isn't innocent or why we shouldn't consume dairy. I also knew going into this viewing that I was going to cry. Grey's Anatomy usually has me tearing up every week, so watching footage of live male chicks being thrown into grinders and trash cans broke my heart. We ended up having a really great turn-out, and several non-vegans that were sitting with me remarked that they were embracing the vegan lifestyle by the end of the documentary. If you can get your hands on a copy, I really do encourage you to watch it. Ignorance is no longer a valid excuse. And check out Food, Inc while you're at it!

The following weekend, I ran my first 5k race! My brother is working for the Atlanta Beat (Atlanta's own professional women's soccer team), and they were sponsoring this race along with the YWCA. The money raised benefited victims of domestic violence, and I found it incredibly fitting that the message of my first race was so dear to my own heart. As my brother hadn't ever run a race, or even a mile, I offered to help him train for it. We ran a few times at our old high school track, and kept the pace steady. I knew he'd make it to the finish line in one piece. Kev had a couple of other friends meet him at the race, and we all started together, near the back. I had every intention of running with Kev, but I got gripped by race fever. I asked him if he minded me running ahead, and he told me to go. So, I ended up running it in 27 minutes, so I was really proud! And now that I have my first one out of the way, I can't wait to sign up for my next race. I'm eyeing up an October half-marathon. I am sooo making that happen this year. In fact, I ran 11 miles at Kennesaw mountain last weekend, so I'm pretty much all set.

I finally chopped off the mullet! I now have a very short bob with even shorter bangs. It's cute, but it'll look adorable once my hair grows out a bit. I'm just happy to have all the ratty over-bleached stuff cut off.

I'm still in therapy, and it still feels like I'm simultaneously making progress and moving backwards. It's a worthy investment though - I'm finally gaining all the tools I need to deal with anything in my life in a healthy, positive manner.

Finally, I'm going to leave you with a recipe. Gasp. My brother turned 24 yesterday, so I baked him a birthday cake. However, this was no ordinary birthday cake. It was an orange chocolate chip layer cake with chocolate buttercream frosting. It seriously reminded me and my family of a Terry's Chocolate Orange that you can buy at Christmas. Sooooo damn good.

Orange Chocolate Chip Cake

Makes 1 9x13 sheet cake

2 cups hemp milk (or your favorite non-dairy milk)

2 tsp apple cider vinegar

2.5 cups all-purpose flour

4 Tbsp cornstarch

1.5 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

2/3 cup canola oil

1.5 cup sugar

4 tsp orange extract

1 cup vegan chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350F and grease a 9x13 pan

2. Measure out the hemp milk and whisk together with the vinegar. Let it sit for a few minutes.

3. In a large bowl, mix together hemp milk mixture, canola oil, sugar, and orange extract.

4. Sift in flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Mix until no lumps remain.

5. Stir in chocolate chips, then pour into baking pan.

6. Bake for 45 minutes, or until toothpick comes out clean.

This will yield a delicous moist and airy cake. Yum!

Chocolate Buttercream Frosting

Enough to frost a layer cake

6 Tbsp vegan margarine

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

2 2/3 cup powdered sugar

1/3 cup hemp milk

1 tsp vanilla extract

1. Cream margarine in a mixer.

2. Add cocoa powder and a little hemp milk.

3. Start adding the powdered sugar, alternating with the hemp milk when it gets too stiff.

4. Add the vanilla extract to finish.

Here's the lop-sided finished product:

Vegan Orange Chocolate Chip Layer Cake

Happy Birthday Kev!

And while I had the camera out, here are a couple of shots of my first ever lasagna! It was incredibly delicious, with balsamic roasted veggies, homemade marinara, and a balsamic basil pinenut tofu ricotta. Let me know if you guys want the recipe!

It looks like lasagna!

Interior shot of deliciousness.

Learning to Love Myself

2010-03-02T18:32:00.003-05:00

So last week was NEDAW - National Eating Disorder Awareness Week - and so I feel I should contribute, albeit a little late.

I suffer from an ED, and over the years, it has taken many forms. I've struggled with binge eating and food-hiding for as long as I can remember. My body weight/image has played a huge role in determining my happiness, and for the most part, has been the thing holding me back from being truly happy.

In high school, I suffered with bulimia for several months, before seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, she wasn't very helpful in my recovery, and I didn't realize that I had the option to find someone new. As soon as she recommended I see a psychiatrist so I could be prescribed anti-depression meds, I stopped seeing her. We never even got to the root of my disordered thinking. A couple of months later, I took health and PE in summer school, and had a particularly inspiring coach. I started running and eating healthy, and for the first time, I felt confident about myself.

I wish I could say that confidence has lasted through college and beyond, but there have been repeated cycles of disordered thinking, mostly as a result of abusive relationships. Last year was a prime example. I was incredibly unhappy in my relationship, but unable to even acknowledge how I really felt. Instead, I dove into working out and healthy eating. On the outside, everything looked really healthy. I was getting stronger and leaner, reaching a fitness level I've never achieved before. But behind the mask, I was becoming obsessed. It was a numbers game - counting calories in and calories out, tracking inches and pounds lost or gained, pushing myself harder and harder to meet new strength and fitness goals. And when I finally cracked under the pressure I was putting on myself, my depression and bulimia resurfaced with aggression. It was so easy to hide it all when my partner was constantly out of town.

However, after a month of continually spiraling behaviors and emotions, I confided in my partner, and he urged me to seek help. I've been in therapy since the end of September, and I've made a lot of progress. It hasn't been easy in the slightest, and I still have a long journey ahead of me. But, I am recovering. I'm learning to love myself, and my body, for what it is and what it can do now. I'm learning to stop suppressing my feelings and hiding in food, instead turning to healthier outlets like working out (in moderation), talking to those that are close to me, and reading. I no longer weigh myself, count calories, or follow specific workout plans. I'm a real woman, and I have curves, and that's totally acceptable. I don't have to force myself to exercise to attain some impossible body ideal; instead, I exercise in ways I enjoy (like running and Turbo Jam) as part of a healthy lifestyle. I'm enjoying a new and healthy relationship, for the first time in my life. And I'm finally learning to let go of the guilt I associate with food. Eating is a natural part of life, and it's to fuel my body and to be enjoyed. While I may not be able to keep a jar of peanut butter or a box of cookies in the pantry yet (known trigger foods), I know that one day it will be a reality.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, please seek help. It's not an easy thing to do, but you owe it to yourself, even if it's just confiding in a friend or a parent. We are all worth so much more than we give ourselves credit.

30-Day Sugar Cleanse

2010-02-24T23:36:00.003-05:00

I want to mention Valentine's Day, even if it was a week and a half ago. It was a totally perfect day. I spent the afternoon baking chocolate chocolate chip scones, and I also roasted hazelnuts to whip up a chocolate hazelnut creme. With fresh sliced strawberries, they made for a sinful vegan twist on strawberry shortcake later that evening. I got to spend time with the kitties at the cat shelter, and then I cooked dinner with Saxon. He was so cute. He gave me a bag of vegan chocolate chips and a bag of cauliflower florets, calling them "flowers and chocolate". Since we'd just finished watching the Firefly series, it was fitting that we watched Serenity. I loved every minute of the movie, the series, and that night!

Since then, my depression has been getting worse. Last Friday, after a week of little sleep, no energy, and lots of junk food, I decided to start a 30-day sugar cleanse. So, for the next 30 days, I'm not buying any products with refined sugar, eating any chocolate or candy, or baking anything with sugar. I've decided this doesn't apply to eating out, just because Saxon and I enjoy eating out, and I don't want it to become to an issue. I'm only on day 6, but I'm feeling so much better already! I've had a few headaches, but other than that, it's been pretty easy. My sweet tooth tends to flare up in the evening, so I've been eating half a Larabar. I finally bought some organic dates tonight, and they'll be a perfectly natural way to curb that edge.

I've also had enough energy to wake up early before work and workout. This is awesome seeing as for the last few months, getting out of bed in time to avoid being late for work has been an epic struggle. It helps that I got some new awesome workout DVDs. I really wanted to try Turbo Jam because I like the other workouts I've done from the same instructor. I found someone on Craigslist that was selling them, and she agreed to trade them for a workout program I didn't care for. Omg, I love this stuff! It's so fun! I still have 2 more workouts to try out, and I'm really looking forward to them.

My brother has also moved back home this week. In March, there's a 5k race in Kennesaw that he has to attend for work, and he decided he wants to try and run it. He's never actually run, so I'm training him. We had our first run on Sunday, when the weather was gorgeously sunny and 70 degrees. We only ran 2 miles, but it was divine in that sun! We're planning another run tomorrow night. I enjoy having my brother around again, and his training is great motivation for me to keep active. The endorphins from the exercise really help me feel better.

I also got to see Shutter Island this weekend, finally! Since seeing the first previews for it back in November, I was dying to see it. It felt a little disappointing after all the build-up, but I still enjoyed it. It was more of a drama than a thriller, but the acting was solid, and the end was fitting.

Tonight, Saxon and I finally used my Groupon I bought last year for The Counter, a gourmet build-your-own-burger chain. They have a location right by my work in Roswell, and they have a vegan homemade burger. The meal was thoroughly enjoyable, albeit pricy without the coupon, and they messed our order up twice. We ordered the Fity-Fifty to start - sweet potato fries and onion strings (not vegan, but Saxon wanted them). However, our server ordered us regular fries and the onion strings, but realized his mistake, so he brought us out a separate order of sweet potato fries. It ended up being a win for us, and more than enough food for two people. The regular fries reminded me of McDonald's fries, only skinnier and a little crispier. The sweet potato fries were cooked to perfection - crispy and not greasy at all. I really enjoyed those. For my main order, I got the 1/3lb veggie pattie (in a bowl, on top of mixed greens because none of the buns are vegan). On top of the burger, I had guacamole, roasted red peppers, grilled onions, sprouts, and grilled pineapple. Oh, and their yummy sweet bbq sauce. This bowl of "salad" was massive! And totally delicious. I brought half of it home, plus a lot of the fries and sweet potato fries. However, when I first ordered it, it arrived with cheese, even though I hadn't selected any of the cheeses (obviously). The server was really nice about taking it back and getting me a fresh new meal. So, even though there were a couple of mistakes, the service was excellent, and the food was delicious. Saxon wasn't a huge fan of the beef burger, but he ordered the 2/3lb one, and figured it was probably just too much meat. He said that everything else he added to his burger was awesome though. I'll definitely go back, although it'll be a treat.

Alright, enough rambling from me. Enjoy the rest of your evenings!

Ice & Cupcakes

2010-02-10T22:40:00.003-05:00

So much for being a better blogger; I managed to skip a whole month, oops!

I have decided that I will not be running the ING Atlanta Half-marathon in March. Unfortunately, unpredictable winter weather and depression don't go well with an outdoor-based training plan. I've had periods of struggling to motivate myself just to get out of bed in the morning, so exercising at all, let alone in freezing, icy conditions just isn't happening.

However, I WILL still be running my first half-marathon this year. I just need to pick a new race and adjust my training schedule accordingly. I suppose I gotta laugh at the idea of a schedule. Even if I do write one down, I won't follow it. I just use it as more of a guideline.

Since it's been ridiculously cold, I've been getting back in touch with my yoga roots and trying out some cardio kickboxing DVDs. What a great combo, eh? And this past Sunday, I ran 12.5 miles! Yes, I finally exceeded my 10-mile record. I think there was about 2 - 2.5 miles of walking in there, but even so, my average pace ended up being 10:22 min/mile. Not too shabby. This was in no way an easy run, either. It started out that way - the sun was shining, the wind was minimal, and it was low 40s. In other words, perfect weather. I only had a bowl of cereal in my system, so I wasn't properly fueled at all. At mile 5, since I was still enjoying the run, I decided that instead of turning back, I'd keep going because I was *pretty* sure I could make a loop. I just didn't realize that loop would end up being 12.5 miles in length. And, for a couple of those miles, I was incredibly unsure if I was heading in the right direction.

So, now that I know that route is possible, I'll fuel up accordingly. I think I'm also going to invest in one of those running belts that hold water bottles and have a pocket for your iPod/snacks. I know in my heart of hearts with consistent training (not just one run every couple of weeks), my vegan diet, and proper fueling pre-run, I can definitely run a 9:00 min/mile half-marathon. Now I just gotta prove myself right!

In other news, my grandma has decided to bestow a rather large sum of money on my brother and I. This really couldn't come at a better time. I can pay off both of my credit cards, get new brakes for my car, and then either put the rest towards my car loan, my emergency savings fund, or both. It feels so good not to be stressing about money. I'm still being really frugal by my standards (I just spent $25 at Goodwill on 4 skirts and 2 dresses!), but it's nice to know I don't have to check my bank balance to see if I can afford to go out to dinner with Saxon.

And speaking of Saxon, I got to meet his mom on Saturday. I don't have a great track record meeting parents, but after the initial shock of my appearance, Saxon's mom was really sweet. We had take-out from our favorite Thai restaurant and watched Angels and Demons with Saxon's mom and our friends Kevin and Lynn. They're such a fun couple to hang out with! I made sure to come prepared for the meeting, so I brought homemade chocolate orange cupcakes decorated with vanilla "buttercream" frosting and orange peel. They were a total hit! Saxon's complaint was that I only brought 6 cupcakes over to his house. When I got home that evening, the other 6 had been devoured by my parents and brother. Success!

I know Valentine's Day is this Sunday, but I don't have any big plans for it. I'll be spending the afternoon at the cat shelter, giving the kitties some extra love, and cooking dinner with Saxon in the evening. We might go and see a burlesque show on Saturday. I'd love to do that! I really wanna take classes too, but I shall wait until those credit cards are paid off. I think it would really help with my body confidence.

Well, that's about it. I'll part on a sweet note - Massive Attack's newest album "Heligoland" is amazing. Check it out!

xxxxx

Goodbye 2009

2009-12-31T15:47:00.003-05:00

I'm not going to recap the year, but I would like to say a few things about it. After all, this is my blog. ;)

Sitting where I am today, this was not where I expected to be at the end of 2009. I had big dreams of being engaged, buying a house with James, and being skinny. Instead, I've moved back home, just started dating again, and my weight (through all its ups and downs this year) is right back to where I started - a solid 150lbs.

I have taken such a huge emotional journey, especially in the last 3 months. I'm finally getting the professional help I've needed for the last 25 years, and I'm really starting to feel comfortable in my skin. My freelance business has taken off more than I could have anticipated, and my commitment to my vegan lifestyle grows ever stronger. Tomorrow marks my 3-year veganversary, and I'm thinking a trip to Soul Veg is in order to celebrate.

So, while I didn't anticipate the changes that happened this year, I'm excited for each and every one that occurred. If nothing else, it reinforced the idea that the only constant in life is change. And I embrace that change wholeheartedly.

I'm looking forward to 2010 and all it will bring.

xxxxx

2009-12-22T09:39:00.004-05:00

How is it almost Christmas?!

I still need to post pics from my birthday party and Thanksgiving, but considering those were a month ago, it feels a little foolish now. Maybe I'll just wait until I have Christmas pictures too, and then I'll post everything together.

Last week I got my first cold of the year. I figure that making it almost a whole year without getting sick is pretty awesome! I'm still a little congested, but I've been feeling like myself since Sunday. While I was sick though, I had no energy. I don't remember ever feeling that tired before. I didn't know what to do with myself, which means I ended up watching an ungodly amount of Lost. I'm caught up through Season 3 now. With an impending vacation from work, I daresay I can finish Season 4 by the new year.

Since I felt better on Sunday, I decided to spend all morning baking. I made snickerdoodles, gingerbread snowmen, peanut butter criss-crosses, and cranberry pecan choc. chip cookies. I divided them all up for my coworkers, my family, and for Saxon's parents. He's not allowed to tell his parents that the cookies are vegan until they have already been eaten. Should there come a day when I get to the meet them, I'm hoping my delicious baking reputation precedes me. Maybe they won't notice all the ink and piercings ;)

Saxon and I saw Avatar in 3D last night, and it was totally amazing. Usually I can't stand CGI movies, but I didn't think about it once for the entire time because I was so engrossed in the sights and sounds of the movie. The story was definitely predictable, but it still had some powerful scenes, and I found myself tearing up in a few spots. I'm still visually awestruck by it, though. Pandora is such a beautiful, strange, and natural world, and part of me so wants to be able to visit it. I'll just have to buy the DVD instead. ;)

Tonight when I get home from work, the first thing I am going to do is workout. I haven't exercised in over a week (because I was sick), and I've really missed it. My emotions are all over the place at the moment, so I think a good hour-long sweat-fest will help balance me out some more. My brother had me try on my joint birthday and Christmas present - a pair of Asics Gel Cumulus running shoes. They fit like a dream, and I can't wait to take them out for a spin on Christmas morning! I'm really hoping I get the Garmin Forerunner from my parents. It'll make tracking all my running progress so easy. Plus, my half-marathon training starts after Christmas. Running and completing the half-marathon is one of my goals/resolutions for 2010.

My 3 other big goals for 2010 are:
*Working full-time for myself by the end of the year
*"Graduating" from therapy by the end of the year
*Earning enough money to pay off my credit cards, double my savings, and take a kick-ass vacation

Speaking of money, I just bought a 17" Toshiba laptop. I'm totally in love with her, and I've named her Brigitte (after Brigitte Bardot). This was a total necessity, because A) my old HP PC is dying and could barely handle my usage of Adobe CS4, and B) I need to be portable. Showing up with a laptop for client meetings looks so much more professional than using a pen and notebook. And now if I need to leave the house to focus on some work, I can do it. I just need to find a cool local coffee shop to start frequenting!

Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday, regardless of what day(s) you celebrate. I'll be kicking it back with my parents and brother, and there's nothing more that I could want than that. I might post again before the new year, but if I don't, have a wonderful new year's eve, too! Bring on 2010!

xxxxx

Epic Awesomeness

2009-11-24T15:49:00.003-05:00

November has practically flown by. I really can't believe that Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow and that I turn 25 on Sunday!

Last week was an epic week - in a good way! The first thing I did was stand up for myself. I'm one of those people that avoids confrontation at all costs, even if it means I'm getting screwed over. My therapist helped explain how that's tied to my self-worth, which totally makes sense. Anyway, back in August, I bought my '07 VW Rabbit from Honda Carland. When I moved back home at the end of September, my parents noticed that Lolita was leaking oil on the driveway. By mid-October, the leak was getting much worse, so I scheduled an appointment with Honda Carland to have them check it out. When I showed up, some guy in the Service Dept told me that since I have a warranty and my car is a VW, I should just take it to the local VW dealer. Yeah, I was pissed about this.

So, the following week, I took Lolita to Gossett VW. It ended up taking them 2 hours to diagnose and fix the oil leak, which I thought was pretty excessive. But, other than that, the service was top-notch. A couple of sales people kept bringing me bottled water and chatted with me to make the time pass. The mechanic explained the problem to me, i.e. Honda Carland had broken the oil filter housing when they changed the oil in my car, so it was $140 to fix, and couldn't be covered by the warranty. He even wrapped up the broken part and suggested I go back to Honda Carland and ask them to pay for the damages.

I'd been sitting on the part, wanting my money back but not wanting any sort of confrontation. Last week after therapy, I was feeling kinda pumped up, and I decided to call HC. Jeff took my details and promised to call me back immediately Wednesday morning. Naturally, he didn't. So, Thursday at lunchtime, I drove over to the dealership with copies of my invoice and the broken part. I met with Jeff, looked as intimidating as I could (the tattoos and hair really help, sometimes!), and calmly explained that he owed me $140. And he wrote me a check! I totally felt like a rockstar after that.

And the awesomeness just continued after that. I've been spending a lot of time getting to know S, who I met at Jessie's Halloween party. We're actually dating now. It's so funny that when you're really not looking for anything, something too good to pass up comes along. I really enjoy his company. :)

I also celebrated my birthday (early) on Saturday. I baked way too much and S helped me, but I think everyone had an awesome time. I know I did! It felt so good to surround myself with great people. And despite all the sangria, wine, and sugar, I didn't even have a hangover on Sunday! This is pretty much a miracle. I'll definitely post pics of all the goodies I made later, but I'm just feeling too lazy at the moment. I ended up freezing most of the leftovers for holiday parties next month. Talk about being prepared.

Now I must finish up some freelance work, make dinner, and squeeze in a workout. I'm really excited that my urge to binge has subsided again, and that I don't have any crazy cravings. If anything, I'm craving lots of healthy greens. My body is loving all the kale I've eaten in the last week! I'm also not obsessing over exercise. I'm trying to stick to 4-5 times a week, but I'm not beating myself up if I miss a workout due to other engagements. I'm trying to get rid of my all-or-nothing mentality and learn moderation... in everything. It's not easy, but I'm definitely making progress. My stars are aligned right now. Life is good.

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

2009-11-05T17:28:00.008-05:00

Wow, I'm totally slacking here. It's not intentional, and I actually want to make an effort to blog more. I find it enjoyable, especially as my time is freeing up a little bit.

A quick update on therapy - it's going really well. My therapist is extremely pleased with how quickly I'm pulling myself out of my depression. She respected my decision to not take medication, but she was still worried about how difficult it would be for me over the next few months. Running 10 miles was definitely a turning point for me a couple of weeks ago. This is not to say I'm miraculously "cured", or that I have no more issues. It just means I'm coping better with the day-to-day stuff, so now we can focus on healing the deeper issues that have plagued me since childhood. Sounds ominous, no?

Anyway, I think one of the reasons I'm doing so well is because of change. I love being in a routine. It's safe, I always know what to expect, and I usually function well that way. However, whenever something new or crazy comes along and I have to adapt, I usually embrace it really well. And this last month has been full of change! I came out of a long-term relationship and moved back home with my parents, which has been a small challenge. I've just dropped down from full-time to part-time at my current design job so I can build up my freelance work, which is awesome and scary at the same time. And I'm signing up for the ING Atlanta half-marathon, which is next March. This is going to be my first race! I figure it will be excellent motivation to keep exercising through the winter, and I want to see if I can use it as an opportunity to raise money for Good Mews cat shelter. I'm also turning 25 in less than a month, and planning on buying a townhouse next year! Eek! I feel so grown-up sometimes, hehe.

I had a blast on Halloween. On Friday, I dressed up as a gypsy fortune teller. I wore my belly-dancing hip scarf, so I jingled wherever I walked. My coworkers were amused at me wearing "normal hair" for Halloween.

For Halloween night, I went to Jessie and John's party. This was my first time seeing John's new house, and I had such an amazing time! I really don't remember the last time I got this drunk or had this much fun. I enjoyed getting my flirt on, hanging out with a bunch of cool people, and staying up til 5am. This really helped remind me that it can be awesome to go out and spend time with people. I'm now trying to reconnect with some old friends and I'm talking to some new people to get my social life started back up. My social anxiety is still pretty paralyzing, but it was it is. My new part-time schedule should free up my weekends and evenings more now, too!

I was slutty Strawberry Shortcake for the evening, and I loved every minute of it! So did the guys. ;)

Check out my awesome vegan spider cupcakes. Chocolate cake, chocolate frosting, with Dots for eyes, Twizzlers for legs, and chocolate sprinkles for their hairy bodies.

And check out these tentacle monsters! I saw them on the Martha Stewart website, and had to recreate my own version. Chocolate cake, vanilla frosting, vegan marzipan tentacles, and Dots for eyes.

So now I'm just trying to get used to my new part-time schedule. It will be so much easier when I have a laptop, and can leave the house for a few hours to work. Right now, when I'm in my office, it's hard to get into work mode. I think I'm going to have to keep packing a lunch for my non-workdays too, because I tend to eat a lot of junk when I'm at home.

In other awesome news, I picked up my first CSA (community supported agriculture) box today! Local Food Stop has several convenient Roswell pick-up locations, and the prices are awesome! I paid $23 for the bounty below, and it's all local and organic. I also like that this CSA will tell you ahead of time what's in the next box, and you can decide whether to purchase it or not. You can also make up to three substitutions. Now I can't wait to eat some of my yummy produce!

My CSA goodies: 1 bunch of arugula, 1 bunch of Bibb lettuce, 1 baby acorn squash, 3 russet potatoes, 2 zucchini, 4 tangerines, and 4 baby starfruit. It's all organic and all local!

I also recently got my hands on Vegan Brunch and Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar. Both are phenomenal! I'm having such a hard time deciding what to make next because everything looks so delicious. Oh, and here's a handy tip from my mum about vegan omelets. Most directions call for you to flip your omelet, which means there's a high-risk of breaking or ruining your omelet. Instead, when you think it's ready to be flipped, just put it under your broiler for a couple of minutes until cooked on top. Now my omelets come out perfectly every time!

Christmas Pudding in October

2009-10-24T23:17:00.003-04:00

Having more free time on my hands means I'm baking a lot more. Recently I've baked White Chocolate Cranberry Oatmeal cookies, Pumpkin Crumb Cake with Pecan Streusel (from Veganomicon), a White Chocolate Cheesecake, and Christmas Pudding. The white chocolate cheesecake flavor is fantastic, but I need to work on the texture some more. Look for that recipe soon.

And yes, you did read that correctly - Christmas Pudding. From Wikipedia: "Christmas pudding is the dessert traditionally served on Christmas day. It has its origins in England, and is sometimes known as plum pudding, though this can also refer to other kinds of boiled pudding involving a lot of dried fruit." Christmas Pudding is made a few weeks in advance. It's traditional to pour brandy (or some other flammable alcohol) over the pudding just before serving it, so you can light it on fire. We usually skip that part, but before steaming the pudding, we add several coins wrapped in wax paper. We use 5p coins, but you could use dimes. The person that gets the slice with the oldest coin wins a prize ($20 in our house).

This week, my mum and I dug out her copy of The Complete Farmhouse Kitchen Cook Book. She's had it for years, and I love it. The spine is falling apart and the pages are completely yellowed. I hope one day it gets passed down to me. Granted, 99% of the recipes are definitely not vegan, but it's still an heirloom to me. This is the third year we've taken the same recipe and veganized it. My mum even swears that our version is the best Christmas Pudding she's ever tasted. So, if you're feeling even slightly English, be sure to try this out.

Vegan Christmas Pudding (adapted from Dorothy Sleightholme's Christmas Pudding in The Complete Farmhouse Kitchen Cook Book)

Serves 10

6oz all-purpose unbleached white flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp all spice
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
4oz fresh breadcrumbs (white or whole wheat)
4oz coconut oil (vegetable shortening works in a pinch)
3oz brown sugar
4oz raisins
4oz chopped dates
4oz dried cranberries
8oz golden raisins
2oz slivered almonds
2oz chopped pecans
1 medium apple, grated
1 medium carrot, grated
1/4 cup orange juice
1 tbsp lemon juice
1 tbsp maple syrup
2 small ripe bananas, mashed
200ml sherry or stout

For cooking the pudding you will need one 1200ml basin or two 600ml basins or four 300ml basins.

1. Sieve the flour, salt and spices into a large bowl.
2. Add bread crumbs, coconut oil, sugar, fruit and nuts and mix together well. (Use your hands!)
3. Add the grated apple, grated carrot, orange and lemon juice, maple syrup, mashed bananas and sherry. Combine everything really well.
4. Leave for several hours or overnight. Stir again. Place in greased basin(s), leaving 1 inch at top. Carefully insert wrapped coins, if using. Cover with 2 layers of wax paper and 1 layer of foil, and secure tightly by wrapping string around the basin. We always get my dad to do this part, and he creates a string handle so my mum can pull the hot, cooked pudding out of the pot.
5. Stand on a trivet or upturned saucer in a pan with boiling water half wayup basin. (Or, use a steamer/pressure cooker). Steam as follows:
1200ml basin - 8 hours
600ml basins - 6 hours
300ml basins - 4 hours
Keep water on the boil, replenishing water when necessary. We use my mum's pressure cooker, and made 2 puddings - 750ml and 450ml. For the 750ml, my mum pressure cooked it for 5 hours and the smaller one for 3.5 hours.

Once cooled, store the puddings (sealed) in a dark, cool place. Reheat by steaming for 30 minutes, and serve with vegan whipped topping.

Finding My Feet

2009-10-09T21:38:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. I don't feel that I owe any explanations, and while journaling can be therapeutic, I'm not one to spill my guts to the world. However, I would like to say just a few words.

I have some problems, and yes, that makes me human. However, they have become overwhelming and I am finally seeing someone to help me work through these things. In the process, I have lost my relationship and moved back home to be with my support network - my family. None of this has been easy, but I'm at a place in my life where I can focus on myself, and hopefully heal.

I like to think the nature of this blog is upbeat and light-hearted, with an emphasis on my passions and living a healthy lifestyle. I want to maintain this essence, but in the midst of clinical depression, it will be a challenge. So, if I disappear for a while, know that I'm still keeping up with all your blogs and just trying to take care of myself.

I'm not asking for sympathy or pity. Any kind words and support are more than appreciated, though. And if you're local, and want to hang out, please let me know! It helps to get out of the house. ;)

I just wanted to let you guys know what was going on. Now on to the fun stuff!

Unless you live under a rock (or you're not current on your vegan happenings), VeganMoFo III is in full effect! VeganMoFo is the vegan month of food, and hundreds of vegan bloggers are participating. Due to my circumstances, I'm merely reading and drooling from the sidelines. Maybe next year!

I did get to try cheetahs for the first time this week, though, and I'm in love. Seriously! You can eat them as a snack, as an (unbalanced) meal, or as dessert! I'm not sure where they originated, but the blog post I linked to explains the super easy way to make them. If you haven't tried them yet, you must!

I also baked some fantastic cookies last night. My mum and I had a sweet tooth, so I raided my baking supplies and cobbled together a recipe based on the Maple Walnut cookies from Vegan with a Vengeance. I had the maple syrup, but not the maple extract. I also only had pecans, and not walnuts. So, in keeping with the recent turning weather, I created Spiced Maple Pecan cookies. I went a little too heavy on the nutmeg, but other than that, they completely hit the spot. And they paired delightfully with a glass of So Delicious Vanilla Coconut Milk. Oh, how I love that stuff!

And in other exciting news, I have a new baby! Tuxedo has joined my gorgeous rats - Talullah and Short Bus. She's half black and half white, and her tail is colored that way too, hence her name. There will be pictures when I can catch her just hanging out. All my girls like to explore, so photographing them is impossible.

I'm off to spend the rest of my weekend relaxing and enjoying great food. I may even throw in a little freelance work if the mood strikes. Enjoy yourselves!

Heart 2 Heart

2009-08-31T00:51:00.002-04:00

Tonight I blew up at James for seemingly no reason, right before bed. We ended up having a heart to heart, and since my head is still so full, I want to do that with my friends, too.

From time to time, I've alluded to a past of disordered eating. I've been binge-eating since age 10 (that's almost 15 years now), and I had a brief period of bulimia in high school. The height of my disease was about 3 years ago when I gained about 90lbs in the space of a year. I did practically no exercise, and ate myself into oblivion to ignore a very dysfunctional relationship I was in at the time. When that relationship ended, I took a good long look at myself and adopted the vegan lifestyle and a goal to lose 100lbs. The last 2.5 years has been a journey of finding myself, and I wouldn't change any part of it.

However, at this point in time, I'm stretching myself too thin. My binge-eating has been rampant in the last couple of months, and in the last 2 weeks, I've started to throw-up again. This is a HUGE step backwards, and it's not easy to admit. I'm trying to do so much at the moment, that something is always suffering. I'm working full-time, trying to freelance on 4 separate web design projects at once, keep working out and cooking healthy meals, spending time with James, spending time with my chinchillas and rats, balancing a social life, volunteering at the cat shelter, being a Beachbody coach (which means blogging, vlogging, and networking with other coaches), and trying to find time for myself to help me keep some sanity. I can't keep doing all of this. The time I spend with James is spoiled with thoughts of freelance deadlines, and my chinchillas are acting out due to the lack of quality attention from me.

So, I've thought about everything and I'm making some cuts. I'm finishing up my current freelance work, and then limiting myself to no more than 2 projects at once. James and the animals are my loves, and they all deserve my focused attention, so they will all come first. I'm going to continue working out and eating healthy because I love how I feel when I do both, but the videos and the journal entries will be fewer. And to my new workout buddies and fellow coaches, I will keep up with all of your journies, but I can't keep commenting on Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. I'm also stepping down as a Beachbody coach. In the future, I may give it another shot, but now just isn't the right time. It isn't in my top priorities.

I want to be able to go out for a couple of drinks with friends without worrying that I'm getting behind on a project. I want to play with my animals and interact with them instead of keeping one eye on them while I try to clean the apartment, cook dinner, and take care of my laundry. I want some of this stress off my back because I clearly am not equipped to deal with this much of it at one time. I want to cultivate a healthy relationship with food and continue working on a positive body image.

I don't want any sympathy or pity, but support and encouragement are always appreciated. I know I also tend to project a very positive, happy outlook 99% of the time, but I wanted to show that I'm still human and I still have those downright shitty days. Recovery can be a bitch, but I'm in this for the long run.

xxxxx

My Newest Love

2009-08-25T22:03:00.003-04:00

My updates are becoming few and far between. I'm sorry! I often wish I had more time to blog or make videos, but when my honey is in town, spending time with him is much more important.

Last week was pretty epic, in a good way. My brother was in town for the weekend, and since his car's been acting up (i.e. only starting if you slam the door or the hood), he and my dad were going car shopping. I decided to tag along as I have finally saved up my 3-month emergency money, and all money going into my savings account at this point is for a new car. I had no intentions of buying a car, but if there were models I liked, I could take a couple of test-drives and narrow down my choices. I knew without a doubt that I'd be getting a hatchback.

Our first stop was at a Hyundai dealer, and I set my sights on the Hyundai accent. It was cute, small, and incredibly cheap. After thinking about it, I figured that A) it probably wouldn't have much more power than my '02 Kia Rio, and B) it was only a 3-door, and no one likes having to climb over the driver's seat to get into the back of a car. Struck that one off my list. After having no luck for my bro, we headed to a Honda dealership right by my apartment. It was here that I fell in love... with a black '07 VW Rabbit. She was perfect in every way. I had to run along to my cat shelter shift, so I left my bro and dad and put the Rabbit out of my mind as best as I could. Well, until that evening. I visited the dealer's website and saw she was in my price range, and I filled out a form to see if I could get any money for the Kia. An associate called me Monday, and I set up a test-drive for Tuesday evening.

That test-drive was a dream! She felt so solid and handled so smoothly... not to mention the ease of accelaration. I drove a Honda Fit afterwards, but there was no comparison. And the only other potential on my list was a Toyota Matrix, and there were no used ones locally. So, I bought the Rabbit that night, and christened her Lolita. I love her to pieces, and I'm still discovering all of her wonderful features! Did I mention I'm not really a car person? Haha!

So, if the week couldn't get crazy enough, on Wednesday, James viewed a house that I had seen while he was out of town, and saw just as much potential as I had. He made an offer on Thursday! The house is a short sale (pre-foreclosure), so it could take months for us to hear back about the offer. We'll wait until October, and if we haven't heard anything by then, we'll start looking elsewhere. This house is perfect for us though: central location between friends, family, work and major highways, 1.2 acres of land ideal for organic gardening, 3 bedrooms and a massive basement... We're trying not to get our hopes up, but it's so hard!

I'm now working on four freelance projects at once, so I'm totally immersed in design whether I'm at work or home. I'm very happy with the progress I'm making, and I'll have some great pieces to add to my portfolio once I'm done. I'm hoping to have 3 of the 4 projects wrapped up before my vacation, which is only 5 weeks away!

I'm still working out hard, and I just finished Day 21 of Insanity. I really can't believe it's been 3 weeks already. As promised, here are my results from Fit Test 1 (which I took at the beginning of the program) & Fit Test 2 (which I took at the beginning of Week 3):

Switch Kicks: 102 / 120 (+18)
Power Jacks: 44 / 57 (+13)
Power Knees: 84 / 110 (+26)
Power Jumps: 40 / 55 (+15)
Globe Jumps: 10 / 11 (+1)
Suicide Jumps: 12 / 16 (+4)
Push-up Jacks: 22 / 30 (+8)
Low Plank Oblique: 66 / 86 (+20)

As you can see, I improved every number... and those improvements are from just 2 weeks of the program! I really feel a difference in every workout. I'm loving the definition in my arms, shoulders, back, and quads. I think my waist is finally slimming down too!

Life is fabulous right now, and I couldn't ask for anything more. I have a couple of recipes to post, but those can wait. Right now, I'm off to read my latest medical thriller (Michael Palmer's "Flashback") - much deserved R&R!

Amazing Weekend and Insanity Day 3 - 6 Review

2009-08-11T11:17:00.001-04:00

I meant to get this review out a little earlier, but as always, life gets in the way! James left yesterday morning for Mississippi for 2 weeks, so we spent all weekend together. Sunday highlights included a trip to the Atlanta Botanical Gardens, which gave James way too many ideas for the kind of backyard we'll landscape when we have a house. I had already convinced James that we should get dinner at Soul Vegetarian afterwards (like he needed convincing), and we were not disappointed. We split the onion rings, and then I had the BBQ Kalebone Twists (Soul Veg's soy-gluten mix) with mac n' cheese and collard greens. So yummy! James had the Country Fried "Steak" with the collards and 2 servings of the mac. I think he loves that stuff more than me! I'm so glad I can't recreate the recipe, or my thighs would be in trouble. We finished off the evening watching crappy movies and enjoying homemade ice cream sandwiches.

Yesterday was supposed to be Day 8 of Insanity, but I was in a mental funk and figured there was no point doing the work out when my heart (and head) weren't in it. I didn't even get motivated until 9pm yesterday to get some freelance work done, clean the kitchen, and clean the chinchilla and rat cages. I'll be bringing it when I get home tonight, though!

Now here's the recap of Insanity Day 3 - 6 (7 was a well-earned rest day!):

Day 3: Cardio Power and Resistance
While Day 2's Cardio Plyometric Circuit had been all about intervals and speed, this workout was about power. This meant that the work out was primarily jumping- and interval-based, but there were less standing-to-floor transitions. You'll revisit power jacks, power squats, globe jumps and others from the Fit Test and learn some new drills like hurdles and log jumps. This workout flew by, and while I was exhausted and soaked from head-to-toe by the time I finished, I wanted more! This is definitely my favorite Insanity workout so far.

Day 4: Cardio Recovery
Shaun T finally gives you a break today... well, sorta! This workout is the shortest so far, if you don't include the fit test, but you really slow the pace down. There's a lot of pose-holding and balance work that's reminiscent of yoga, but it's not easy. The squats and lunges are killer! You'll do 16 super-slow squats (managable), then hold the squat for a minute (burning at this point), and then do 16 pulses (ouch!). Then you go right into the same sequence with lunges. It's no wonder my jeans are getting a little roomy in the butt.

Day 5: Pure Cardio
Shaun T guides you through your usual warm-up and stretch, and then tells you he's feeling nervous about this workout. Yikes! The workout is about 16-minutes of all-out cardio, doing as many reps as you can in a minute for each move with no breaks! I definitely had to stop a few times to catch my breath, especially towards the end. You'll see a lot of the Fit Test here, and despite being about the same length as the other cardio workouts, this one really flies by. I loved this one almost as much as Cardio Power and Resistance!

Day 6: Cardio Plyometric Circuit
This is the same workout as Day 2, and I wish I could say it got easier. This is definitely the hardest workout for me as it feels like I take the most breaks. I'm still hitting that mental wall, and it's frustrating. I've picked one of the girls from the workouts (Rachael) because I wanna look like her (eventually), so my goal is to keep up with her as best I can from now on. My other goal is to not only break through that mental wall, but to completely destroy it! Every time I wanna stop (because my head is telling me to, not because I can't physically do more), I'm gonna think about the bikini I wanna rock on the beach in 6 weeks!

So, this is it. I've got my motivation (the beach), I've got my game plan (goals), and I've got my Bodybugg to help me track my food. I have everything I need, so I'm gonna succeed. There's no other option! Who's with me?!

ChaLEAN Extreme Day 90, & Insanity Day 1 & 2

2009-08-04T12:48:00.005-04:00

This weekend marked the end to my first 90-day Beachbody program: ChaLEAN Extreme. It was actually a little anticlimactic. I should have taken my measurements and final pictures, but I always feel weird about doing that when my boyfriend is home. Silly, I know, but he doesn't like to shave his head when I'm home. He gets it.

Needless to say, there was some extra stress this weekend - the initial adjustment period we go through whenever he's been gone for 3 weeks or longer, taking time off from my freelance work to spend time with him (despite looming deadlines), and house-hunting. My 3 weeks of awesome, dedicated eating went straight down the toilet. The stress-eating is still a work in progress. I'm getting there, slowly.

No progress pictures yet. I'm going to actually take them at the 2-week mark of Insanity. Until then, I refuse to go near a tape measure or step on a scale. I'm just going to really nail my healthy eating habits by tracking my calorie burn and intake using my Bodybugg. I was doing so great before this weekend!

Monday I started Insanity - an awesome, cardio-intensive 60-day program - with the Fit Test. The program is designed for you to take the Fit Test every 2 weeks so you can really track your progress. The test is only 25 minutes long, and includes a warm-up, stretching, a cool-down, and breaks between each exercise. Sounds easy, right?

Wrong! The idea is to do as many reps as possible in 1-minute for 8 different moves. The two people on the DVD doing the Fit Test say it feels just like it did the first time, only they've made awesome improvements in every move.This gives you a great taste for just how hard you'll have to dig through out the program. This was also my first time working out with Shaun T, and he is awesome! The music is pretty inspiring, and Shaun is great at motivating you when you just want to collapse on the floor.

Here are my Fit Test #1 results:

Switch Kicks: 102
Power Jacks: 44
Power Knees: 84
Power Jumps: 40
Globe Jumps: 10
Suicide Jumps: 12
Push-up Jacks: 22
Low Plank Oblique: 66

Today I started my morning with the Day 2 workout - Plyometric Cardio Circuit. Holy crap! This is what I've been waiting for. As you can tell by the name, this workout included a lot of jumping and alternating between standing and floor work. The workout clock starts at 42 minutes, and your warm-up begins. Having read other reviews, I was prepared for a warm-up that felt more like an intense workout, and my expectations were met. You run through a series of drills 3 times, getting faster each time. Then you get a water break and start stretching. After the stretching, you get one more water break, and then it's time for the real workout to begin. There's only 25 minutes left on the clock, but don't think it will be pretty. In fact, don't think at all! Shaun leads you through more drills in 3-minute intervals with a 30-second break. You repeat each series 3 times, just like in the warm-up, only you're working much harder. Exercises include mountain climbers, power squats, basketball drills, suicide drills, push-ups, and lots of ab movements. Once you make it through both series, you finish up the workout with some punching work (jabs, uppercuts, etc) to really work your arms and abs, and then the final stretch.

I definitely took a lot of breaks, and I feel I could've pushed harder, so I know Insanity is going to be 90% mental with me. I knew that anyway, just from the great mental battles I've fought every time I run. I can already tell that as long as I eat a clean diet, I will see some amazing results, and finishing the program will have me in the perfect place for training for a half-marathon. Just sitting here at my desk, I can feel that wonderful muscle tightness in my quads, my calves, my chest, my shoulders, and my biceps. Yes! I can't wait for tomorrow's workout, even though it involves waking up at 6:30am.

I'm still playing around with how I'm fueling my AM workout, so it will be an experiment for a week or so. Yesterday I ate a whole banana 30 minutes before and drank some coconut water during the workout, and I felt like I wanted to go into a sugar coma by the end of the Fit Test. Today, I just ate half a banana before my workout and I was definitely flagging by the end. So, tomorrow I will try half a banana before, and coconut water/regular water during. The actual Insanity workouts are definitely harder and longer than the Fit Test, too.

My Bodybugg says I only burned 366 calories during today's workout, but considering how turbo-charged my metabolism has been this morning, I'm thinking my burn is higher. Especially as my mid-morning snack at 10:30 am was a Larabar, which usually keeps me full until I take my lunch around 1pm, but is all burned up at 12pm today! I'm seriously starving with another hour until lunch. Gah! Even though I've had great success with my Bodybugg being pretty dead-on accurate during my last month of ChaLEAN Extreme, I may end up with less than a 1000-calorie deficit while doing Insanity. If I'm hungry, I'm going to eat, and if I'm still losing 2+ lbs a week, despite a smaller reported calorie deficit, then I'll know Bodybugg isn't as accurate for this program. I think part of the problem is that unless I want to cut off my circulation, the armband ends up starting to slide down my arm due to a combination of arm sweat and big arm movements (think jumping jacks). Did I mention that I've never sweated this much during a workout? I think another factor is that this workout involved a lot of body movement that relied in keeping the arms in the plank position, so while the rest of the body is moving, the arms (where the Bodybugg is worn) are staying still. Bodybugg only claims to be 90% accurate, and considering how wonderful it's been so far, I'm still a whole lot more informed about my metabolism than I was before the Bodybugg.

Whew! I'm excited, inspired, and totally committed to the next 60 days. I have a beach vacation towards the end of the program, so wearing a cute bikini is my inspiration.
Since the Fit Test is taken every 2 weeks, I'm also setting 2-week goals. So, for this next 2 weeks, I am pledging to eat clean, and beat every number on my next Fit Test. Simple, right? Yup!

How are you all doing?

VNV Nation & My Crazy Week!

2009-07-29T12:01:00.003-04:00

Last week was long and crazy, and totally worth every second.

Monday and Tuesday were crammed full of freelance work, as I had a Friday deadline, and I knew Wednesday and Thursday would be completely written off. I was right, too! Wednesday evening, after working out, I made an emergency trip to Hot Topic to buy fishnets (I love living 10 minutes from Northpoint Mall!), and then spent a good hour and a half putting in synthetic dread hair extensions. I chose cotton candy pink and blue, and a few purple ones to complete the look. I forgot how much I love how they look, and also how uncomfortable and hot they are to wear. Sleeping that night was nearly impossible.

Thursday was the VNV Nation show, and as soon as I left work, I sped home, threw on my outfit, and did my make-up. It's so rare I get to dress up, so I definitely made the most of it! I left my apartment around 6:30, giving me an hour to meet Laura at Ali Baba's in L5P for the best falafel in Atlanta. Due to an accident, I-75 was a mess, and I was about 20 minutes late. Even though doors opened at 8, we didn't leave the restaurant until 9. And yes, the falafel is phenomenal! I had it on top of a lettuce and tabouli salad, drizzled with tahini and spicy sauces. Yummy!

By the time we got to the Masquerade, we had missed the opening act, Ayria. I was kinda bummed about that as I like some of her songs. I also had thought she'd be the second act because she's another industrial artist like VNV, but a weird rock band played the middle set. So, we arrived in the middle of War Tapes' set, and they weren't as bad as I had feared. They weren't that great, either, though. If you like slow, depressing, screaming rock, then you'd like them. But, they weren't for me.

It was probably close to 10pm when VNV Nation made their appearance, and what a brilliant show they performed! They had some technical difficulties queueing up the set on their laptop, so for the first few songs, there was about 5 minutes of downtime between each one. Ronan Harris, the lead singer, was incredibly gracious about the whole thing, telling jokes and entertaining the crowd. They played a great mix of old and new songs, and the only one they didn't play that I really wanted to hear was "Honour". I still got to scream, jump, dance, and sing my heart out to classics like "Beloved", "Perpetual", "Chrome", and "Standing". I even scowled at the assholes standing right in front of us that kept leaving their empty glass beer bottles on the floor. Every chance I got, I kicked the bottles at them. Yay for awesome, heavy boots!

Laura and I picked up some merch on our way out, and then I headed home with ringing ears and a raw throat to much-needed sleep. It was difficult making it through Friday!

Saturday, which I had planned on using to be a bum, ended up being eventful too. I had a client meeting in Buckhead at 12, and naturally got held up in traffic, so I was late. Ugh, I hate it when that happens. I even left with time to spare according to Google Maps. Anyway, I didn't feel quite so bad as the client could find our original meeting place, and had to suggest somewhere else instead. We had our meeting, which went incredibly well, and as we were walking back to our cars, I realized I had no car keys! I went back into the restaurant to search for them, but with a sinking feeling, realized I had probably locked them in my car. Sure enough, we walked to my car, and they were still dangling from the ignition. Talk about scatterbrained!

Fortunately, my client is well-versed in breaking into cars, and since I had left my windows cracked, he was able to slip a bungee cord into the window, grab onto the window crank, and roll the window down so I could unlock the door. I don't know what I would have done without him! While this was all going on, I had tweeted about meeting up for lunch at Veggieland or Cafe Sunflower since I was in Buckhead, but hadn't expected any replies. However, Laura sent me a text message, and we decided to meet at Veggieland at 1:15. I hadn't thought to bring directions with me, and after having to break into my car, I was hot, sweaty, and lost. Kevin and Laura were gracious enough to give me directions and wait for me for 30 minutes at the restaurant. You guys are the best!

I had my first Veggieland experience, and it was delicious. I tried the homemade veggie burger with guacamole and a side of sweet potato fries. The burger was crunchy on the outside, as if it had been pan-fried, and was full of flavor. The fries were yummy too, despite being a little softer than I like. Since it's rare that I get to enjoy vegan dessert, I tried a piece of the Chocolate Peanut Butter mousse cake, and fell in love. Did I mention my peanut butter addiction? Kevin had the Hummingbird cake, and the bite I tried was sinfully good. I need to bake one now!

This week marks the last week of ChaLEAN Extreme for me. I was going to continue with the Lean for Life Phase, but there is an Insanity challenge starting on August 3rd, and I couldn't wait any longer to try Insanity. I will be taking my measurements and 90-day transformation pics this weekend. Unfortunately, there won't be really any difference between my 60-day pics, except for a little more muscle definition in my shoulders, back, and arms. This has nothing to do with the program, and everything to do with my diet. If you remember, on the second week of this phase, I had a melt-down of sorts, and had to restart the second week. Well, during that week, I ate pretty much everything in sight and gained 8lbs. I have subsequently lost those 8lbs in the last 3 weeks through the workout program and by using my bodybugg to accurately track all my calories burned. I know, without a doubt, that had I not had that awful week-long binge, I'd actually be at least 6lbs lighter at this point. I've found the bodybugg to be really helpful in my weight-loss, and I know it works now (despite being the biggest skeptic), so I'm definitely frustrated at my lack of control.

My 90-day pics will serve as my "before" pics for Insanity, and I'm excited to see just how hard I can push myself. This is the beginning of my training for running a half-marathon in March next year. Insanity is cardio-based, and really pushes you to the extreme. I couldn't believe how much I sweated just from trying out the fit test. I'll be taking my fit test on Monday and posting my results here. I have exactly 2 months until our beach vacation (in South Carolina; I vetoed the Hawa'ii idea after realizing James could only give me a week's notice for trying to arrange flight, places to stay, etc.). I'm gonna be using the bodybugg to track all the calories I'm burning with Insanity and I'll adjust my eating accordingly. Tracking my calories and seeing how much I'm burning everyday really keeps me honest and more focused. I'm ready to break through my plateau now! Once I get below 144lbs, I know without a doubt that bodybugg works!

In other news, my freelance is taking off a lot faster than I had anticipated. This is awesome, and also a little stressful as I'm really having to manage my time. I'll be taking a break this weekend when James finally gets home (after 3 weeks away), and we're going to look at a house together on Saturday! From what we know about it, it's perfect for us. I'll keep you all updated.

New Obsession!

2009-07-15T15:33:00.012-04:00

So much to catch up on! Last week I had good intentions, and we all know what that means. I still ate a lot of crap and I only worked out for 4 days. I didn't even go for a single run, although I had planned to run all week. I've kissed that week goodbye!

On Sunday, James decided to make pizza, and I thought I'd follow suit. I bought all my ingredients to create a delicious vegan bbq "chicken" pizza, but as the evening waned on, the thought of eating pizza grew less and less appealing. Dinner ended up being my very first Vega experience.

So now I have a new obsession. I adore Vega! Whole Foods had it on sale for $59.99, so I thought it was the perfect time to buy both the Berry and Chocolate flavors. They are equally delicious and creamy, with no funky textures or after taste. One serving of Berry vega contains:

Serving Size: 2 scoops (61 g)

Calories: 220

Calories from fat: 50

Total Fat: 6 g

Saturated Fat: 1 g

Polyunsaturated Fat: 4 g

Monounsaturated Fat: 1 g

Cholesterol: 0

Total Carbohydrate: 17 g

Dietary Fiber: 15 g

Sugars 1 g

Protein: 26 g

Vitamin A: 1,500IU

Vitamin C: 60 mg

Vitamin D2: 400IU

Vitamin E: 30IU

Thiamin: 1.5 mg

Riboflavin (vitamin B2): 1.7 mg

Niacin (vitamin B3): 23 mg

Vitamin B6: 2 mg

Vitamin B12: 6 mcg

Biotin: 30 mcg

Pantothenic Acid: 10 mg

Vitamin K1: 80 mg

Calcium: 1,100 mg

Iron: 18 mg

Phosphorus: 1,100 mg

Iodine: 160 mcg

Magnesium: 400 mg

Zinc: 15 mg

Selenium: 70 mcg

Copper: 2 mg

Manganese: 400 mg

Chromium: 120 mcg

Molybdenum: 75 mcg

Sodium: 0

Potassium: 1,500 mg

Note that all those vitamins and minerals are 100% RDI! One serving is considered 2 scoops, and there's 15 servings per tub. While I'm not poor, I also can't justify spending $130 a month on a meal shake, regardless of how awesome it is (you can buy Vega cheapest at Cosmo's Vegan Shoppe for $64.99)! I do have to buy other groceries too. So, I'm blending 1 scoop of Chocolate vega with 2 small organic bananas and 2 huge handfuls of organic spinach for my mid-morning meal. Did I mention just how much I love this stuff?! My energy is soaring, I don't have to worry about taking a multi-vitamin, all the fiber is keeping me EVEN MORE regular than before, and it doesn't contain any soy or gluten, two things I try to avoid at home. I'm also sleeping like a rock. I think the sleep fairy has been knocking me over the head with 2 x 4 for the last three nights, because I haven't slept this deeply in months!

Because of the awesome Vega effects, I'm inspired like never before to finish ChaLEAN Extreme. Monday night I actually decided to run, and it was fantastic. I hoped to find a public track because I haven't run in a few months, and I wanted to ease myself back into it by running on flat ground. However, the nearest high school had their track all locked up, so I headed to Hembree Park, which has some lovely rolling hills on the one mile loop. Because of the hills, I decided on a 3-mile run, and I didn't time myself. The first 2 miles were surprisingly easy, but at the 2.5 mile mark, I was ready to walk. Instead, I decided to use some positive thinking. I started off telling myself things like: "This is so natural. My body was born to move. I sit all day at work, so here's my chance to get my heart pumping. I can do this!" As I neared the end of the run, I switched to "I AM doing this and I AM running 3 miles tonight!" I had an extremely powerful finish, and I enjoyed my runner's high as I cooled down and stretched. Running is such a mental sport, and I used that to my advantage. I've decided to replace the ChaLEAN Extreme cardio workouts with running instead. I burn more calories, and it feels awesome to be back outside in nature!

Yesterday I completed Lean Circuit 2 and Extreme Abs (for my repeat of week 2), and my shoulders and back are definitely sore today. I really focused throughout the workout, and my form was excellent. I'll be increasing my weights next week, too! I'm bound and determined to make progress.

I've also been wearing my Bodybugg and tracking my calorie intake. So far I've lost 2lbs, so it seems to be working. If nothing else, it reminds me just how sedentary my lifestyle is, so I'm making changes. For instance, instead of stopping at the mail center in my apartment complex on my drive home from work, I'll park by my apartment and walk to and from the mail center. Little things like this really do add up!

In exciting news, next Thursday (23rd) is the VNV Nation concert in Atlanta! I have loved VNV ever since my ex Scott had me listen to them a few years ago, but I've never made it to one of their shows. As soon as I found out about this show, I knew I had to go. I even got James interested, but he's out of town for the next three weeks. Fortunately, due to meeting lots of awesome people at the Atl Vegan Bake Sale, one of my new friends, Laura, also loves VNV so I have a concert buddy now. Yay! I've re-dyed my hair pink in preparation for putting in my synthetic dreads, and I also ordered a new dress and boots (both on clearance and vegan) for the occasion. Ordinarily, I would not buy anything for a show, but I don't have any industrial clothing anymore (as I weighed 250lbs at the height of those days), so these additions were necessary. It was also my last monetary treat for myself until the trip to Hawaii. I may have to buy a couple of summery things for that trip, but until then, it's budget time.

Whew! I'll leave you with some pictures that were still sitting on my camera and my latest youtube video!

My Sun Flour Baking Co prize I won from http://www.healthyvoyager.com

The contents of my prize: California bar, Mint Chip cookie, Golden Brownie, and Cinnamon Cookies (all vegan and gluten-free!) I loved the Cinnamon the best!

Key Lime Coconut cupcakes (vegan) I whipped up for my work's 4th of July cookout.

Awesome vegan meal James prepared: fried breaded tofu, mac 'n cheese, collards, and corn!

Super delicious olive and sun-dried tomato loaf I baked as part of our July 4th Greek fest.

Our vegan July 4th Greek fest: olive and sun-dried tomato loaf, spanakopita, peasant salad (minus the cheese), olive oil dipping sauce, olive tapenade, and Greek wine!

Close-up of the Spanakopita and Peasant Salad. This was my first time making Spanakopita, and the filling was fantastic!

Know Yourself

2009-07-04T09:29:00.005-04:00

Man, this has been a long week. Actually, I've had a lot of long weeks lately, which means my stress level is on the rise again. Blah! I know what the problem is, and I'm working on changing that situation, but it could take a long time (due to outside factors), so I need to focus on staying calm.

So needless to say, my eating has taken a total dive this week, along with my workout plan. I think this is actually the first week since I started ChaLEAN Extreme that I've slacked on my workouts. No bueno! Now, before anyone thinks it is the workout that is the problem, stop! I stand by CE and still think it is an awesome way to get into fabulous shape. The problem lies with me. When I overeat (using stress as my excuse because this is the only time when I do overeat), I place an awful lot of guilt and pressure on myself. The food itself (usually high-fat, high-sugar) makes me bloated, so I start feeling really negative about my body, and this all snowballs until I put my foot down and say enough. It's taken me 4 days this time. I'm so sick of sugar at this point that even eating fruit, my most favorite thing to eat, sounds yucky. I just want greens, and as many as possible.

Here's the plan: I'm going to take a recovery week from CE. I have done 9.5 weeks of heavy lifting now without a break, so I need one. Instead, I will run for 5 days and do a couple sets of push-ups and Extreme Abs on those days, too. I really miss running, and cardio in general, so this plan should put me in the right frame of mind. Since I only did 2 workouts from CE this week, once I finish Cardio Week, I'll restart week 2 of Lean Phase. I'll have 3 weeks of Lean Phase, then 4 weeks of Lean For Life. At that point, I'll probably do a couple of cardio weeks, and then it's time to try Beachbody's newest program - Insanity! I'm so excited because it's a 60-day cardio program that requires no equipment, gets you in insane shape, and still builds that lean muscle I've been working so hard to build already. How perfect for me! If you have any questions or wanna know more about Insanity, just drop me a line.

As for my eating, I'm gonna start learning how to make green juice (with my BlendTec blender). For cardio week, I'm going to juice all day until dinner time, when I'll focus on eating mostly raw vegan. My body is working so hard right now trying to digest all of this week's junk, so this is how I'll give it a break. This plan should also help with the gas problem I have right now from all the junk. Oops!

So yes, this is me listening to my body. I can't wait to finish CE, but I also can't wait to run for a week straight. If anything, I've come a long way in my overall health mindset. When I started my weight-loss journey, I wanted to follow an exact plan, whether that meant food and/or exercise. If I deviated from the plan, I felt ridiculously guilty. Now, I can make adjustments that suit me, and I'm happy to do so, because I know I benefit more from essentially creating my own plan than following some book or website. Stay true to yourself. And enjoy this fine weekend!

Mexican Slaw

2009-06-29T21:13:00.005-04:00

I think by now, everyone knows I have a love affair with avocados. I eat 6-7 a week, and enjoy every last ounce of that creamy goodness! I seriously can't get enough. I especially love using avocado as a salad dressing because it's all-natural, extremely versatile, and totally delicious.

Well, over the last couple of weeks, I've been changing up my dinner salad habit. I've been throwing some raw "wraps" into the equation. I'm very picky when it comes to my "wraps" though. Collard greens just don't cut it - I don't like the flavor or the texture. I'm a red cabbage girl! Peeling off whole leaves creates the perfect little cup for transporting a raw veggie and dressing mix. I find as I get to the inner leaves of the cabbage though, they break into 3 or 4 pieces as I peel them, no matter how gentle I am. Super frustrating!

On Saturday, I had a brilliant idea for my left-over cabbage - slaw! Slaw, to me, is a combo of shredded veggies and a creamy tangy dressing. Keeping this in mind, I decided to use fresh gucamole as the dressing and I added some "Mexican" veggies along with the cabbage for a truly yummy dish!

Mexican Slaw
Serves 1 hungry person, or 2-3 as a side

Guacamole (this is my basic recipe - use your favorite):
1 avocado, diced
1-2 small cloves garlic, pressed
1/2 lime, juiced
Salt and cayenne pepper to taste
Fresh cilantro, chopped finely

Half of small red (purple) cabbage, shredded
Fresh corn from 1 cob or 1/2 red bell pepper
Tomatoes, diced

1. Place avocado in a large bowl, and add garlic, salt, cayenne, and lime juice.

2. Mash with fork until super creamy (unless you love your guacamole chunky)

3. Add chopped cilantro, and stir

4. Add shredded cabbage, tomatoes, and corn and stir until everything is coated with guacamole.

Enjoy!

You can add whatever veggies you like to this. On Saturday I used corn, and Sunday, I used diced red bell pepper. Shredded jicama would probably be an excellent addition, and tomatillos could easily replace the tomatoes.

Day 60 Transformation

2009-06-27T12:39:00.004-04:00

Hey Everyone! I just wanted to check in with you all and post my Day 60 measurements and pics. I actually waited until Day 65, but whatever. Better late than never, right?

I've also started v-logging, which I think I mentioned in my last post. Here's my latest video:

I'm absolutely loving the Lean Phase, and I have big plans for it. I still need to make a couple more goals but I do have one in mind - 3 tricep push-ups on my toes. I can do regular push-ups on my toes, no problem, but the tricep ones kill me every time. A modest goal for a month!

So, without further ado, my measurements. I'm posting my current measurements, then the 30-day difference, and then the total difference.

Measurements
Waist: 33" (-1", -6")
Hips: 36" (-.5", -4")
Abductors: 35" (-1", -3")
Chest: 35" (-2", -4.5")
Right Arm: 10" (-.25", -1.25")
Left Arm: 10" (-.25", -1.5")
Right Thigh: 19" (0", -1.75")
Left Thigh: 19" (0", -2")
Weight: 144lbs (0lbs, 7lbs)
Body-fat Percentage: 24.2% (-1.2%, -2.8%)

Total inches lost: 24!

Now for the pictures. There doesn't appear to be much difference between Day 30 and Day 60, but looking at my measurements, that makes sense. However, I did gain a lot of strength and took my body-fat percentage down some more, so I'm really excited to see what my Day 90 will look like!

Bake Sale Madness

2009-06-23T11:10:00.009-04:00

This weekend was totally amazing. On Saturday, I spent a good 5 hours baking for the Atlanta Vegan Bake Sale. I ended up with 20 white chocolate macadamia cookies, 30 twinkies, and 26 key lime coconut cupcakes. The cupcakes were my personal favorite (for both presentation and taste), and they were my best seller at the sale! Baking 32 twinkies was a little time-consuming since I could only bake eight at a time, but I loved filling them. It was a fun experience feeling the cake swell and give way as the sweet frosting poured into them. I only managed to explode two of them, which ended up as great taste samples for James and I.

Saturday night, it was impossible to sleep! I was like a kid waiting for Santa Claus. I think I managed about 5 hours in the end. I was up at 9am with the intention of leaving by 11, to help set up for the sale. I wrapped a couple of small Father's Day gifts for my dad, and then prepared all the sweet treats for traveling to Atlanta without melting. Yay for Georgia summers!

We arrived just as the sale was starting. I got to see Leigh again (one half of the dynamic duo behind Cosmo's Vegan Shoppe), and meet her husband Ken. I was introduced to several other vegan bakers, including Kevin (and his yummy home-made hotdogs), Laura, Becky, and later, Howells of Dulce Vegan fame. Way cool! The tent was pretty crowded, so James and I sat across from it, enjoying the shade. My friend Leslie, who is a fabulous non-vegan baker, showed up to support us, and one of the volunteers from my bi-weekly shift at Good Mews cat shelter also came out to sample some goodies. I even ran into a Vic, a fellow vegan that I hadn't seen in over 2 years!

We had an awesome turn out, and ended up raising just over $700 for CatSnip! This rocked!!! While we were hanging in Little 5 Points, James and I checked out Kolo, a piercing shop that has the most beautiful selection of jewelry. I had my eyes on a pair of irridescent glass wings (plugs), and James bought them for me! I was totally shocked and speechless. We also checked out Criminal Records and I bought CDs for the first time in years - VNV Nation's Reformation 01, Super Furry Animals' Hey Venus, and Cerys Matthews' Cockahoop.

The sale ended at 4pm, and we were home by 5:30, both exhausted from sitting out in the sun all afternoon. We both cleaned up, and I straightened the apartment as we were also having our Father's Day/belated Mother's Day celebration. James and I took my parents, my brother, and James's mom to dinner at our favorite local restaurant - Veranda Greek Taverna. We sat out on the patio and enjoyed wonderful company of pitchers of white sangria. The food was fantastic too! I went with my usual peasant salad (minus the cheese), and tried the lima beans in a thick tomato coulis (minus the cheese). I'll definitely be getting those again! We capped off the night with dessert wine, and our awesome server brought everyone a shot of ouzo and lemon juice. It was surprisingly refreshing! We couldn't have asked for a better way to cap off the weekend.

I was supposed to start the Lean Phase of ChaLEAN Extreme yesterday, but my shoulder had been hurting since Saturday, so I held off. It doesn't hurt at all today, so I'm going to be starting tonight! I really can't wait. I've also started v-logging about my experience. I'm getting more technologically savvy by the minute!

I also found my new favorite recipe last night on Raw Epicurian. It's a strawberry salsa that's phenomenal, especially served atop field greens and creamy avocado. I'm definitely enjoying it for dinner again tonight!

Whew, I think that's about it. Could I possibly give any more shout-outs? Oh yes, I won vegan cookies from Sunflour Baking Company yesterday just for following @healthyvoyager on Twitter! I'm going to leave you with a selection of photos from the bake sale.

The naked Twinkie

The filled Twinkie

Key Lime Coconut Cupcakes (before the lime zest)

Key Lime Coconut Cupcakes with the lime zest

The Atlanta Vegan Bake Sale in progress!

Twinkies, cupcakes galore, and whoopie pies

Cookies, buns, and pies

More cookies, cupcakes, and sweet potato buns

Getting buff!

2009-06-19T22:39:00.003-04:00

Man, I'm feeling strong today! I just have one more workout tomorrow - Burn It Off! and some yoga, and then I'm done with the Push month. I can't believe I'm at day 60 already. Holy cow!

I've thoroughly enjoyed this month's challenge. I don't think I've really lost any inches or pounds this month, but I have definitely built muscle. I hit all of my goals I made in my "stress" post, and I'm thrilled with all my hard work. I even feel like I'm making progress with my eating.

The more I play with my food, the more I fine-tune my habits. I'm really starting to understand what my body needs, and how it reacts to different foods. I also know that with my obsessive nature and history of disordered eating, I can't go to extremes. Everything has to be in moderation, or it sets me off to the point where I'm thinking of food in "good" and "bad" terms, and freaking out if I "break" whatever extreme I'm following.

I love raw foods, and I'm so glad I've incorporated it into my lifestyle. But, it's not the be-all or end-all of my eating. I just can't live that way. I can easily eat 100% raw for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, but then I need to eat something cooked or more processed. It keeps me emotionally healthy. For instance, this week, I've been playing around with when I eat certain foods. Monday through Wednesday, I started my day with a green smoothie, then lunch was a massive bowl of fruit, I had an orange as a snack, and then I had my avocado salad for dinner. This routine really seems to work for me because I love all the sweet fruits at lunch, and then the fat from the avocado curbs my cravings for something more substantial in the evening. Thursday, my coworkers convinced me to go to lunch with them, so I had cucumber sushi rolls and kimchee sushi rolls. It was low-calorie, healthy, vegan, and delicious! And you know what? I still felt great all day, and enjoyed my avocado salad in the evening. Today, I baked a batch of vegan white chocolate macadamia cookies for Sunday's Atlanta Vegan Bake Sale, so this evening, I sampled one. It tasted just like Subway's version! Because of the sugar from the cookie, my body started craving greens, so I finished tonight up with a small, very basic avocado salad - avocado, lemon juice, salt, cilantro, and tons of field greens. Yummy!

Tomorrow, I plan on sticking to all raw, except for splitting half a vegan twinkie and half a vegan key lime coconut cupcake with James (for taste-testing purposes). My calorie intake will be a little higher, so I'll throw in the Turbo Jam Fat Blaster workout in the afternoon. Coincidentally, I did that tonight, along with some additional push-ups. Did I mention I completed Push Circuit 3 and Extreme Abs this morning? ;) I have so much energy!

Sunday is the bake sale, and I will definitely support it by purchasing a couple of baked goods. But, I'm not going to go all out, and I'm going to share them with James (whether he wants to or not). We're also going out for vegan pizza that night, so I'm ordering 2 slices (max). I know I'm better off keeping all my "trouble" foods out of the apartment, hence my lack of desire to order a whole vegan pizza, no matter how good it tastes. My body just doesn't need it!

I'm really enjoying food again, and I'm definitely curious to see how my diet will affect my Lean Phase of ChaLEAN Extreme. I'm noticing that I'm carrying my body differently, and certain things I getting easier. Like yesterday, when I was doing the Sumo Burpees in Burn Intervals, I was literally flying. I had so much extra power in my legs, and my arms supported my weight effortlessly. I even think I can carry more grocery bags from my car to the apartment now, hehe! But all joking aside, this program rocks! My self-confidence is soaring, and my body is becoming toned and lean. I have never been this strong in my life. I think it's pretty sexy! ;)

Anyway, I'm finally starting to crash. So, goodnight everyone. And keep pushing play!

Camping Fun :)

2009-06-15T13:49:00.006-04:00

We love camping, and this weekend was no exception. I worked an extra hour every night last week and took a half-day on Friday, so at 1pm, we were on our way to Lake Conasauga Campground in the Cohutta Wilderness. We had to make a couple of stops along the way, so we arrived at the campground around 5pm. I was feeling a little green at this point because James's driving along the windy gravel mountain roads was reminiscent of riding an old wooden rollercoaster!

The campground is very secluded with a handful of sites actually on the lake, and several more tucked back in the woods. By the time we arrived, all of the lake spots were taken, but we found a lovely spot in the woods. After quickly setting up the tent and figuring out where the restrooms were located, we settled in for the evening, chuckling at the cars driving by that had arrived too late to find any open spots. The earlier you can arrive, the better!

Aside from all the bugs (and our foolish lack of bug spray), it was wonderful sitting by the campfire, talking about our future plans like getting married and buying a house. We feasted on pistachios and cashews, black beans and rice, and grapes. James is an omni, but he usually ends up eating vegan when we camp which I definitely love!

I actually slept pretty well, considering my usual difficulty with sleeping anywhere that isn't my bed. I woke up around 8:30 and spent the next hour and a half wandering around the campground, finding our nearest water source, cleaning are pans from the night before, and preparing breakfast. I woke James up at 10 with a bowl of grapes, bananas, peaches, oranges and granola. I'm on a huge granola kick right now, so I tried Bear Naked's Fit Triple Berry Granola. It was low sugar and low fat, which definitely compromised taste. It's probably quite tasty with hemp milk, but as a snack, it leaves much to be desired.

We pottered around our site for another hour, then headed off with a packed lunch to hike the Fire Tower trail. We were about to start down the Songbird Trail (which I thought connected to the Fire Tower trail), when someone told us to take a different trail. He said that the Songbird Trail would take us all the way around the lake first, but this other trail would lead us straight to the Fire Tower. Lo and behold, we should have taken the Songbird Trail. We had an easy 1-mile hike around the lake until we got to the Fire Tower trail. This trail was pretty much 2 miles all uphill and single-file through the forest. We saw a variety of gorgeous flowers, and I was thankful for all the tree coverage. No sunburn! We had to stop a few times to catch our breath, but it was so worth it. The last quarter-mile of the hike was along a gravel road, and before we knew it, there was a large clearing with a tall tower in the middle. James climbed as high as he could up the tower, and I followed, taking pictures among the clouds. The views were spectacular, albeit a little too high-up for my fear of heights. I was impressed that I made it all the way to the top AND climbed down the stairs on my feet, not my butt.

After admiring the view, we climbed down the tower and sat on a small bench at the side of the clearing. Here we ate fresh raw veggies (carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower) with hummus and baba ghanoush. So tasty! We also met another young couple that had hiked up the trail after us. The hike back to our site was so much quicker and easier since it was all downhill, and we spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in the woods, reading. Pure bliss! We gathered fire wood for a good hour and prepared a delightful dinner for the fire - corn on the cob wrapped in foil and vegetarian baked beans! Once the corn was cooked, we squeezed lime juice over it and sprinkled on some cayenne pepper. That was the best tasting corn I've ever had! We both overdid it with the cayenne though, so we had to take several breaks between eating to let our lips stop burning. We talked late into the night, and enjoyed each other's company.

Sunday morning we packed everything up and drove home. It was sad leaving all that secluded nature behind, but I was so ready to take a long shower and wash my hair! We were still in camper mode, so I cooked vegan mac 'n cheese and veggie dogs for dinner. We snuggled on the couch and watched Taken, which we both really enjoyed! I also indulged in some coconut vanilla icecream sprinkled with granola (a different, better variety). I can't get enough of that dessert!

I'm wonderfully rested now, and happy to be back to my green smoothies. I totally rocked my last Push Circuit 1 this morning. I finally was able to do my 20lb bicep curls (7 of them!), and I increased my weight and/or reps on a couple of other moves too! I read somewhere (I believe it was on Choosing Raw) that eating light through-out the day, and then eating heavier fat-based foods in the evening gives you more energy during the day. I'm testing that theory out this week by starting my day with my breakfast green smoothie, then a large fruit salad for lunch, and then my avocado salad for dinner. I've also started drinking Yogi's Green Tea Kombucha every morning. I'm only drinking one cup because usually I'm caffeine-free. The kombucha is definitely cleansing my body though, and until I start brewing my own kombucha, this is a much cheaper alternative to buying GT's Kombucha. This week is gonna rock!

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend :)

Beating Stress!

2009-06-10T14:59:00.005-04:00

So I started writing this entry about how being stressed triggers my drive to eat, eat, eat, but I don't think you guys need a play-by-play of my menu for the last couple weeks. I've been eating clean and healthy for the most part, but on the days I've slipped, I've really slipped. It's something for me to continue to work on. I've definitely made progress because stress is my only overeating trigger now, whereas a couple of years ago, EVERYTHING triggered overeating. That would explain the need for size 24 jeans at one point in time! And fortunately, my life is usually very stress-free, so this issue doesn't come up much.

However, the fact that I rarely get stressed also explains why I have such a hard time dealing with it. Most of the time, my stress is a result of feeling like I don't have enough time to accomplish everything I feel I need to accomplish. For instance, this week I'm trying to put the finishing touches on James's birthday present, and they are taking a lot longer than I originally anticipated. Now that I've told him that it won't be ready in time for his birthday, I can breathe a little easier. But, I still want to get it finished as soon as possible, and my inner perfectionist doesn't like the idea of missing a deadline.

I'm in the Push Phase of ChaLEAN Extreme, so I wasn't really expecting much weight loss, if any, because I should be seriously increasing muscle. My stress-eating is getting in the way of my goals, though, and that just pisses me off! I really do want a bikini bod with abs by the beginning of September (our Hawaii beach trip). I still have about 3 months until the trip, so it's totally do-able! But, I really have to get my head in the game. The ChaLEAN Extreme worksheets are a great reminder, because even though my body is looking the same to me right now, I can see I'm getting stronger. I'm increasing the heavy weights!

So, instead of eating any more of my stress, I'm going to make a list of other ways to handle stress. Please feel free to add your suggestions! The better-prepared I am, the better I can handle it.

1. Go for a run! I've only run a couple of times since I started ChaLEAN Extreme, and I'm definitely missing it, so this is a no-brainer.

2. Take a walk! The weather is so beautiful at the moment, and I spend all day cooped up in a cubicle, so this is the perfect way to enjoy the local parks and relax my mind.

3. Yoga. The harder it is, the better as I can blow off steam, and really focus on clearing my mind.

4. Spend time with my babies. My chinchillas and ratties always make me feel better, and I know they love the extra attention.

5. Sing. As funny as this sounds, singing along to something angsty usually picks up my mood. Old-school Garbage works great!

6. Make a cup of herbal tea (I can't handle caffeine anymore) and just savor it for a few minutes, taking deep breaths between sips.

7. Talk about it. I'm a lot like my father in that I bottle everything up until I reach my boiling point. This gets very messy, and doesn't help anyone. I've learned to share my feelings a lot more, but there's always room for improvement.

8. If none of the above work, AND I still can't stop thinking about eating, then I'll make myself a small green smoothie. I find the process of preparing food very relaxing when I'm stressed, and this ensures that even if I am exceeding my calories for the day, it's still super awesome for my body!

And, as an added bonus, I'm making some goals for the next week and a half (to see me through the end of the Push Phase):

1. Bicep Curls - 6 reps with 20lb weights (I managed 2 this week before switching to 17.5lbs)

2. Completing Extreme Abs 3x week (after the Push Circuits) - already done 2x this week!

3. Frontal Press - 7 reps with 20lb weights and AT LEAST 2 Extreme reps - so far I'm at 6 and 2!

4. A "10" in all cardio workouts! (3 more to go)

I'm not making any food goals or body weight goals because these encourage my obsessive nature. I know how to eat clean, and I enjoy eating clean, so it should be a no-brainer at this point. Just gotta do it, no excuses.

How do you deal with stress? What are your short-term goals?

Blissful weekend

2009-06-01T22:35:00.003-04:00

This weekend was pure bliss. Since James went out of town for work, I've had issues sleeping. And, while I didn't exactly sleep much more this weekend, I did do a lot of relaxing down my parents' neighborhood pool. The skies were a gorgeous blue with just a hint of white puffy clouds, and the sun was delightfully hot without the dreaded southern humidity.

I am naturally very pale, and most of the time, I pride myself on my milky skin. But, there is a very good possibility of a trip to Hawaii in September, so I thought I better start working on my base color. I spent about 4 hours on both Saturday and Sunday laying out, and I didn't get burned once! This is truly a miracle for me. I was wise and applied organic SPF 30 sunblock every hour, just to be on the safe side. And now my skin has the first flush of a tan!

In addition to all the relaxing, I spent a good amount of time with my family. I'm one of those lucky people that has an amazing relationship with her family. My mum is my best friend, and I adore it when my parents, my brother and I all get together. It just feels right (which is why I also love Thanksgiving and Christmas!) . Since we're rarely all together, and my dad is now working again (after 6 months of unemployment), my mum wanted to go out to our favorite Chinese restaurant for dinner on Saturday. Up until that night, I had been raw for 19 days. We had a wonderful evening, and I kept it light with vegetable soup and stir-fried green beans with tofu. I barely had an 1/8 cup of steamed rice.

On Sunday, I decided to be lazy, so I skipped my planned yoga work out and took a real rest day. It was divine! I kept it raw until dinnertime, when I really started craving faux Italian sausages. I gave in and ate two, tossed with some pasta. It wasn't a bad meal, but it wasn't that great either. I capped off the night with Luna & Larry's Coconut Bliss Vanilla ice cream and a local banana-cashew vegan granola. Now that was delicious!

Today I'm back to 100% raw, and determined to stay high raw for the rest of the summer. It's so easy and natural, and it cuts down on my grocery spending too! I've been pretty gassy because of all the fresh food mixing with the cooked food, but that will subside in a couple of days. And, to make up for my over indulging this weekend (cooked food was fine, but not the amount of it I ate - way over my calories), I'm doubling up my workouts. I'm doing the Turbo Jam Fat Blaster workout everyday after I finish my Push Circuit workout. I'm also doing my more difficult yoga tomorrow AM, instead of the easy one. I want to look my best when James gets home on Saturday, and for another reason, that's tied to James's birthday present. But, I can't give away details yet. He has no idea what I'm getting him, and I can't wait to see his face! I think I'm topping last year's gift.

And speaking of Push Circuit, I finally figured out how to solve my issue of my weak wrist losing grip on the heavier weights. I started tying a bandana around my wrist, and then around the weight, so my grip doesn't matter so much. It made the reps a little easier, too! I'm gonna be curling 20lbs by the time I hit the end of the Push month. I'm really aiming for 22.5 lbs, but 2lbs is realistic.

Now it's time for me to put the ratties and myself to bed. Keep rocking it!

30 (28) Day Transformation!

2009-05-24T11:05:00.006-04:00

As promised, here are my stats. And, to make it easy, I'm reposting my "before" pics and stats so you can definitely see my changes.

Stats:
Day 1
Waist: 39"
Hips: 40"
Abductors: 38"
Chest: 39.5"
Right Arm: 11.25"
Left Arm: 11.5"
Right Thigh: 20.75"
Left Thigh: 21"
Weight: 151lbs
BF%: 27

Day 28
Waist: 34" (-5"!!!)
Hips: 36.5" (- 3.5")
Abductors: 36" (- 2")
Chest: 37" (- 2.5")
Right Arm: 10.25" (-1")
Left Arm: 10.25" (-1.25")
Right Thigh: 19" (-1.75")
Left Thigh: 19" (-2")
Weight: 144lbs (-7lbs)
BF%: 25.4 (-1.6%)

I've lost a total of 19 inches so far! In just 30 days! I truly can't wait to see my results at Day 60, because I'm totally taking it up a level. I'm gonna make the Push phase my bitch! Hehe. I've also been tracking the weight I'm able to lift, and I've gotten noticably stronger over the last month. I am determined to curl 25lbs by the end of 90 days. I'm already at 17.5lbs, and I know I'm gonna develop crazy muscle in Push. So yeah!!!

And now that I'm a coach, I can help YOU see these kinda results, too! Find out more here!

Now I just have to patiently wait for the sun to come out. It's looking like another day of rain, but that's probably a good thing, since I have my volunteer shift at Good Mews this afternoon. Kitty time!!!

Crazy Excited!

2009-05-23T12:15:00.003-04:00

This is me, post-workout, enjoying a blueberry smoothie! I don't usually use a straw, but last night I got my vertical labret pierced (a barbell going straight through the top of my lip!), so I can't chug straight from my mason jar like I usually do.

Wait, I'm a lady. I sip!

Today is Day 27 for ChaLEAN Extreme, and wow! I feel totally fantastic! I did Burn It Off! to start, which got me all pumped up, hot, and sweaty. Then instead of Recharge (which I really don't like), I did Crunch's Super Slim Down, which is a 40-minute power-yoga-pilates-core workout! I feel so stretched out after SSD, and I love all the extra core work. I'm dedicated to showing off abs this summer!

Day 28 is supposed to be a rest day, which means 40-50 minutes of yoga, then I'm supposed to repeat today's workout on Monday, and take my measurements on Tuesday. Forget that nonsense! I love how the 7-day schedule is working for me during the week right now, so I start Push on Monday! That means tomorrow is measurements day. I will be posting all my progress here, so stay tuned.

Tomorrow is also the last day of my 14-day fruit fast. I'm rocking it so hard right now, that I'm gonna challenge myself to another 14 days. It's so simple, especially while my boyfriend is out of town, because I don't have to worry about going out to eat. I'm also writing all my food down in a notebook I keep in my purse at all times, and I'm adjusting my calorie intake daily based on how my body feels, not my mind telling me I should "reward" myself. Did I mention I'm totally over rewarding myself with food? That's just one of the ways I set myself up for failure, so enough is enough! I even have 4 of the Go Max Go vegan candy bars in my refrigerator, and I don't want any of them.

So yes, yesterday's lip piercing was a reward. Rocking a bikini on the beach in September will be a huge reward too!

In other exciting, related news, I decided to become a Beachbody Coach! ChaLEAN Extreme is really working for me, and I just can't tell enough people about how much I love it. So now I'm gonna help other people see the same kind of results. You can check out my page here or by clicking the Beachbody Coach link under "My Stuff". I'm bringin' it, vegan style!

I have a 3-day weekend ahead of me, and I'm gonna make total use of it. If the sun decides to make an appearance, I'm going to read a trashy mystery novel by the pool, work on my blog design ideas, and continue drawing up my Coach business plan. I have so many ideas rattling around in my head, I can't even sleep at the moment! I just have to get up and do it.

Anyway, I'll see you all tomorrow! Keep pushing play!

Fruit Fast

2009-05-13T18:39:00.003-04:00

Ahhhh! I've been indulging in a major case of self-sabotage. I even know why! (I won't go into all the boring psychology here, suffice it to say that I'm definitely aware of my behavior.) It culminated this weekend in a massive vegan junk food fest. We're talking about carrot cake, blueberry coconut cake, vegan candy bars, Chinese take-out, fries, cookie dough milkshake, etc. Yeah, totally terrible to the point that I not only managed to undo the progress I was making with Chalean Extreme, but to set myself back further than before. So frustrating!

So, Monday I decided enough is enough, and formulated my plan for success. I started Week 3 of Chalean Extreme over again (which just meant repeating Burn Circuit 1) and started a 2-week raw fruit fast. I'm keeping my fast exceptionally simple so that A) my body can get a great chance to detox, and B) I don't have to think about food for the next 14 days. Each day looks like this:

Pre-breakfast: 1 glass of lemon-water and 1 Vitamin Code Woman's Raw Vitamin

Breakfast (480 cals): Green Mango Smoothie - 24oz frozen mango, 1tbsp Vitamineral Green, 1tbsp Living Harvest Hemp Protein, a handful of spinach, and water

Lunch (320 cals): Avocado salad - 1 avocado, pinch of salt and cayenne pepper, juice from half a lime, grape tomatoes, cucumber, radishes, and mixed field greens

Afternoon snack (~200 cals): Larabar (raw fruit and nut bar)

Dinner (~300 cals): Fruit smoothie - combination of bananas and/or blueberries and/or peaches and/or pineapple

Evening snack (no more than 200 cals): grapes and/or an orange and/or an apple and/or dates

I'm keeping my calorie intake between 1300 and 1500 calories, depending on how hungry I am and the intensity of my morning work out.

So far I'm on day 3, and I love it! I have so much extra time because I'm not preparing food or thinking about it. My energy is sustained through-out the day, and my sweet tooth is in check. Yesterday I was horribly congested, but the congestion is subsiding today, so I think I'll be congestion-free by the end of the weekend! I do have some cravings today, but I'm ignoring them. I'm commited to these 2 weeks.

This coming Saturday, we're going to the Marietta Greek Festival in the afternoon with my parents. I can't wait! I may have a plate of hummus and pita bread, but other than that, it's all fruit. Then, in the evening, we're meeting up with some friends for Benny Benassi and The Crystal Method at the Tabernacle. This is a huge party with lots of other DJs spinning the night away, and I'm thrilled! I finally get to go dancing, and James is ok with it! I don't really drink when I dance, so I'm not concerned about that. And then on Sunday, we're having a belated Mother's Day celebration with my parents and James's mom. We're having the parents over for drinks, then we're walking to our favorite Greek restaurant. I'll indulge in the peasant salad (cucumber, tomato, onion, and olives in olive oil and lemon juice), and maybe some hummus and pita bread.

Once my two weeks are up, I'll be starting the Push phase of Chalean Extreme. This is so exciting, and I KNOW I will have results by this point. James suggested going out of town for Memorial weekend, so I may be debuting my bathing suit then! Eek!

Life is pretty awesome right now, and I'm just excited about everything going on. Making new friends, staying active, eating clean, and just enjoying some extra free time. Oh yeah, I dyed my hair pink too! I love being able to get away with that kinda stuff at work. They really don't care.

How are you all doing?

xxxxx

Loving Life!

2009-04-30T19:48:00.007-04:00

Week 1 is complete! I actually started Week 2 today. And like most people I've read about, my weight has stayed the same. I've lost a few inches all over though! On my two rest days every week, I'm doing yoga/core work because I love the flexibility training. The day 6 workout in this phase consists of Burn It Off! & Recharge. Burn It Off is a great cardio workout, albeit very short (30 mins). It really got me sweating. Recharge is a 20-minute stretching workout, which to be honest, I wasn't that impressed with. I don't get the same intensity of stretching as I do with yoga. So, I'm gonna switch out Recharge with Crunch Super Slim Down. This is a 40-minute yoga-pilates hybrid that really focuses on the core. Other than that, I'm totally happy with the ChaLEAN Extreme program. Can't wait to see my progress!

To keep myself extra motivated, I bought myself a new bathing suit from Target (it was on sale this week!). It fits me now, but I could definitely look better in it. So, I have 3.5 months until our beach vacation and the bathing suit debut! Look how fabulously me it is:

Target also has a new line of super cheap basics - tanks and tees for $5. I stocked up for summer, and while I don't anticipate the clothing looking that great by the end of the summer, that's fine by me. You get what you pay for! Then again, I did find a pair of brand new (still with tags) Gap capris at the thrift store for $5, and they fit like a dream!

Other things I'm loving lately:

Trader Joe's Frozen Avocado Halves - these little beauties come pre-packaged in individual halves. You get 4 to a box (2 avocados). I just leave one in the fridge for a day to thaw, and voila, tasty avocado. Now, they obviously don't compare to a true ripe, fresh avocado. But, it makes life so easy to just dice one up and throw it into a Mexican-themed salad.

Peanut Butter & Co's The Heat Is On Peanut Butter - when I saw this, I couldn't resist. Spicy peanut butter? Heck yeah! I didn't realize just how potent this stuff is. I love thinning it out with water and dipping crunchy broccoli and carrots into it. Since it's so fiery, I'm also not prone to midnight eating-from-the-jar-with-a-spoon forays. I'm thinking it would make a great base for a noodle dish, too!

Luna & Larry's Coconut Bliss - lately I've been trying to avoid gluten and soy, which can be difficult in the pre-packaged vegan world. Anyway, on Tuesday, I had a milkshake craving that wouldn't disappear, so I headed to Whole Foods with the intention of trying Purely Decadent's Coconut Milk Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Upon examination of ingredients, I discovered that it still contains soy - no bueno! I was about to give up because Rice Dream really doesn't do anything for me, and then L&L caught my eye. Several delicious, creamy flavors with a coconut milk base, soy-, gluten- AND sugar-free, and cheaper than Purely Decadent's Coconut Milk offerings. I picked the most decadent flavor - Chocolate Hazelnut Fudge, and I wasn't the least bit disappointed. The texture is phenomenal, and well, the flavor could cure even the deepest chocolate craving. Go try some!

And have you heard? Go Max Go candy bars are about to hit the market! I'm super excited about this, especially since Snickers bars are my most favorite candy ever, and there have been a couple of weak moments when I've pondered sneaking one into my vegan diet (although, I never gave in!). They have four flavors - Jokerz (Snickers), Maholo (Almond Joy), Buccaneer (Three Muskateers), and Twilight (Milky Way). Cosmo's Vegan Shoppe (which has now moved to Marietta, yay!) has them for pre-order here. Now, because I'm working so hard for the body of my dreams, and because I'm trying to minimize my soy and sugar intake, I've only pre-ordered one of each flavor. I'm already trying to decide the order I will eat them in. I'm thinking Twilight, Mahalo, Buccaneer, and Jokerz (best for last).

Biceps of Steel

2009-04-25T12:01:00.002-04:00

Woo!!!! I just finished Burn Circuit 2, and I love love love it!

My new weights arrived this morning as promised, and they're pretty damn cool. I love being able to "dial-up" or "dial-down" my weight as necessary. The things I still have to get used to: a) each side of the dumbbell dials independently, so I have to dial both sides at the same time, b) the dials turn in opposite directions on each side so if I want to increase (or decrease) the weight on both sides, I have to dial one side towards me and one away from me, and c) the part that shows you what weight you're using is domed, so you have to move into the right line of sight to read it accurately. So yes, they're no Bowflex SelectTech weights, but they totally work, and I imagine that after a few sessions, I'll have to pause the DVD a lot less between sets.

I sweated, and I pumped, and I know my arms got a fabulous workout. I think I need to practice the legs some more, because I don't think I'm hitting them right. Either that, or I have really strong legs. ;) The only issue I really have is a weak left wrist. I broke it back in 8th grade, and it never really healed right. (I'll save the long explanation as to why it didn't heal correctly for another day!) So, by the end of BC2, my arms were able to take the weight, but my left forearm was so tight (from overcompensation for my wrist), that I could barely grip the weight. I'd hold the barbell for about two reps, before my fingers opened and I had to drop the weight. Frustrating! So, I'm gonna be working on my grip strength in addition to the workouts so this isn't an issue for the next 3 months.

The rest of the day was totally fabulous. I ran errands with James (well, he ran them - I just sat in the car), then we stopped by my parents' house for a couple hours. James and my dad shared beer and technical talk, while my mum and I gossiped over white wine. I love seeing them! I capped off the evening with a Whole Foods grocery shopping run, and now I'm waiting for my gourmet feast to finish cooking.

I'm trying Tempehtations Barbecue Tempeh cubes (more to see if tempeh affects me the same way tofu and soymilk do rather than my interest in this new product), served with a side of broiled green beans and a baked sweet potato. Perfect!

Getting Extreme!

2009-04-23T21:26:00.004-04:00

So ChaLEAN Extreme arrived today! And? I know you're all anxious to hear about my thoughts.

Well... let's just say my evening wasn't as great as I'd hope it would be. But, that's through no fault of the program. I just had a few hiccups. The first being the resistance bands. I ordered the standard set of 3, which I think is a 15lb, 20lb, and 30lb band. I'm not 100% sure because the colors I have don't seem to be the colors typed on a sheet of paper. I'm more of a visual person, and the bands also don't match the colors of pictures I looked at online. So, I don't know for sure what I was using tonight for Burn Circuit 1.

Now, I did my fit test, and took my measurements, and also took my body fat percentage using the provided calipers. I got a reading of 22%, which I really don't think is correct. My hand-held body fat reader said I was 27% body fat, which I think is closer to the truth. So, I'll still use the calipers to measure my progress, but I'll stick to my hand-held reader for actually measuring the fat.

After the measurement-taking and the fit-test, I decided to do Band Basics just for Burn Circuit 1. I kinda got it. Maybe I'm supposed to do it a few times? I was kinda frustrated getting into Band Basics, which didn't help a whole lot. You see, James has a DVD player, but no remote, so if you're having to select things on a menu, no bueno. But! He also has an Xbox, so I just popped the DVD in there and started Band Basics. I think his Xbox is truly dying, though, because it kept popping the DVD in and out. Not helpful at all!

So after that mishap, I found my portable DVD player and hooked it up to the TV, only to get sound and no picture. Gah! I look around everywhere for the TV remote, which I haven't been able to find all week. It somehow managed to not only fall down the sides of the cushion, but then wedge itself between the seat frame and the side of the couch. Totally invisible when you pull off all the seat cushions. How does this happen?!

Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled by the time I started Burn Circuit 1. But I persisted, and paused the DVD a lot to readjust my bands, and I really don't feel like I worked the muscles I was supposed to be working. I just don't think the bands are going to work for me, so tomorrow, I'm sending them back. (Tomorrow is a rest day, anyway!) This leaves me weight-less for working out! What will I do?

Already taken care of it - I hopped onto Amazon and started looking at dumbbell sets. Obviously the Bowflex Selectech Dumbbells are way too pricey, so I kept looking for something that would work in my price range. Lo and behold, I ordered the Stamina 25-lb Versa-Bell II dumbbells for a measly $163. They work just like the Bowflex ones, only they're much cheaper. They have 5lb weight intervals which is perfect for me. And, since I'm an Amazon Prime member, I just have to pay $6.99 to have them delivered on Saturday. Just in time for Burn Circuit 2! Sweet! There may come a point when I need to go heavier than 25lbs, at which point I'll just invest in a pair of 30lb dumbbells.

Tomorrow will be a yoga day. I absolutely love "The Trainer's Edge: Long and Lean Yoga with Baron Baptiste". It's 50 minutes of power yoga, and it really does work your whole body.

Now I can't wait for my new weights to arrive so I can really push myself on Burn Circuit 2.

xoxox

Bummed

2009-04-22T18:31:00.006-04:00

I'm definitely bummed today. After checking the status on UPS.com for my ChaLEAN Extreme package this morning, I saw it was going to be delivered today! I was like a kid waiting to open Christmas presents all day... only to find out that my apartment complex main office closed early today for some meeting. Which means, no ChaLEAN Extreme for Steph today. *Cries!* I was so looking forward to getting started.

Instead, I figured out how to take better transition pics with the help of a tall bedroom dresser, 10-second timer on my camera, and a white wall. Behold my masterpieces.

I do have to laugh. Whenever I look at people's "before" pics, they always look so serious. I told myself I'd at least smile for mine. Guess not! I'm really glad I'm taking pics now though. I don't have anything like this to remind me of 250lb days, just an old pair of size 24 jeans to pull out whenever I'm feeling fat. But, this is a good starting point for the photos.

I will be posting my progress updates regularly, mostly to keep myself accountable. Even if I'm the only one reading my blog, it's still out there for the world to see. And I'm hoping that I can inspire just one more person to get off the couch and discover how great it feels to be healthy!

Since I'm not starting ChaLEAN tonight (*pout*), I did some light weights and an hour of power yoga. About halfway through the yoga, I was ready to quit, and I even paused the DVD to get up and walk around. Then I reminded myself that ChaLEAN is going to be EXTREME, so I need all the practice I can get pushing myself. And I did.

And as a reward for making it all the way through both workouts, I dug into my new VegNews issue that just arrived. I love that magazine!

Here's to starting tomorrow! *Fingers crossed*

xoxox

Gah! Getting Impatient!

2009-04-21T15:15:00.002-04:00

I'm really getting myself pumped up this week for starting ChaLean Extreme! My DVD set is currently in Doraville, GA, so I'm really hoping it will be delivered tomorrow even though Thursday seems more realistic. Still got my fingers crossed!

I'm starting to pay more attention to my eating habits again, and I'm tracking my calories. If I'm going to be putting all this hard work into toning and shaping my body over the next 90 days, you better believe I'm gonna watch what goes in my mouth too. I've even re-arranged my eating schedule. It looks like this:

7:30 AM - 8oz glass of filtered water and juice from one lemon

9:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Green smoothie (1 banana, 150 cals from other fruit(s), handful of spinach or lettuce, 1 tbsp hemp protein, 1 tbsp green powder)

1:00 PM - Lunch (at the apt. or out with the coworkers). This is my biggest meal of the day now. That way, if I go out to eat with my coworkers, I'm not going home and having a large meal for dinner too. This also means I'm not going to bed feeling bloated, and even if I'm eating late at night, I'm still eating light.

4:00 PM - Fruit (Usually a handful of grapes or an orange)

6:00 PM - 9:00 PM - Dinner (Usually a large salad) and maybe a glass of organic wine

Since I'm only doing 40 - 50 minutes of yoga everyday, I'm keeping my calorie intake below 1400. I'll adjust this as necessary since I'll be burning way more calories doing cardio and heavy weight lifting. Depending on how difficult I find CLX, I may keep up with the yoga on my rest days. Building my functional strength rocks, and I love how relaxed and calm I feel after doing it.

Ahhhhh! Did I mention I'm excited?!?! I wanna start now!!!

I even discovered today they have a yummy salad at the crappy Chinese restaurant my coworkers like. Now I won't be so quick to turn down lunch there. Field greens topped with chunks of orange, mango, pineapple, tomato, avocado and mango. How can I resist? All I need is some grapes and apples, and all my favorite foods are together.

And speaking of salads, I made an awesome one for dinner last night. I tossed fresh green beans in a tsp of flax oil, and sprinkled them with salt, pepper, and a pinch of sugar. Then I broiled them for 4 minutes. This is my new favorite way to prepare beans! I then prepared the rest of my salad in the same bowl I used for tossing the beans in flax oil.This meant I didn't need to add any extra oil for my salad. I added field greens, soaked and diced sun-dried tomatoes, diced cherry tomatoes, a sprinkle of raw sunflower seeds and a drizzle of white balsamic vinegar. I threw the broiled beans on top, and tossed for a totally gourmet, delicious salad. I'm so tempted to go out and buy more beans, even though I have some sliced portabella mushrooms about to turn bad. There's always tomorrow!

x0x0x

Welcome to the Jungle

2009-04-18T09:29:00.005-04:00

Updates for the last month:

We have new additions to our family! I adore my chinchillas, but I wanted some babies that are a little more hands-on. Enter Tallulah and Short Bus, two adorable dumbo rats. We spent a weekend turning $15 clearance Target closet furniture into a totally kick-ass cage, and the last couple of weeks have been an adventure into ratty territory. I love how different their personalities are - Tallulah is the intrepid explorer and Short Bus is shy and sweet. We have cuddle time every night now, usually in the bed while I'm on the phone with James (when he's out of town - they aren't allowed on the bed when he's around). The chinchillas were a little jealous at first, but they're coming around now. And I'm one happy rodent queen!

My diet and exercise plan has fallen to the wayside at the moment, which I kinda knew would happen. It's unrealistic for me to be spending upwards of 2 hours a night, 6 times a week at the gym, and maintain my sanity by having time to relax. I've really gotten into power yoga lately, and despite losing some of my muscle definition in my biceps, my triceps, abs, and legs have all gotten stronger. Plus I feel a sense of calm when I finish. However, I kinda miss lifting weights, but dragging myself back to the gym seems near to impossible. Sooooo, I'm taking a plunge. I've just purchased The Chalean Extreme program, and a set of resistance bands. It's basically a 3-month fat-burning, muscle-building home workout system that's broken up into 3 phases. I'm determined to have abs by the time we have our beach vacation in August, and from what I've read and from the people I've talked to, this is IT. I'll see the results I really want, in less time than I was spending at the gym. Now that's something I can commit to. Plus it's a challenge, to see if I can really stick with it for 3 months, and that's the kind of challenge I respond to really well. Now I just have to wait impatiently for it to arrive! I wanna get started already. I've even taken my my "before" pics. And, looking at those pictures, I realize that I have come a long way from when I was 100lbs heavier 2 years ago. But, I still have a little way to go.

And finally, I actually got my new site up and running, AND I have professionally printed business cards for the first time in my life. The cards were a steal of a deal: 2,500 CS4 stock, glossy coated and printed both side for $40! Yes, $40! I couldn't believe it. So, if you need to get anything printed, check out http://www.gotprint.com - I highly recommend them! And go check out my new site: http://www.stephtimms.com - it's pretty!

And now for pictures:

The Ratty McMansion

Short Bus trying to steal some snacks

Tallulah's first close-up

Transition Pics

Me in England, not even at my heaviest at this point.

Graduation in June '07, after losing 40lbs.

Another 30lbs down.

Me currently - 150lbs and 26% body fat.

Death by Chocolate

2009-03-21T09:10:00.007-04:00

So you're probably expecting a post about a sinfully delicous, ooey-gooey chocolate mess... and part of me wishes that were true. After all, I love chocolate as much as the next person. Unless that person happens to be my mum. I honestly think she could exist on chocolate alone. That's dedication, right there.

A better title would be "Death [of] Chocolate", but that doesn't have quite the same ring, and I'd hate to be the start of web rumors about the extinction of chocolate on our planet. Things like that can cause mass-hysteria! The original title stays, and I'll just add my explanation. This is a blog, so what did you expect? ;)

I've finally come to the conclusion that chocolate just isn't in my cards anymore. When I took the vegan leap, I was chocolate-less for months. I'd never enjoyed dark chocolate, and all my favorite chocolate products contained dairy. I think it was out of sheer desperation that I picked up my first bar of dark chocolate. I had to learn to respect the complexity of the taste - the richness, the juxtaposition of bitter and sweet, and the all-out in-your-face cacao explosion on my tongue. It's taken a while to get there, and I can't honestly say that I love it now. I don't utterly despise it either, though; last night being ample testament to that fact.

Yes. I stuffed my face.

A little sidenote, if you will: I've aluded to disordered eating before in this blog, and I probably will in the future. It has defined my life for far too long, so it's grubby fingers sneak into my everyday more than I'd like. However, I have come a very long way, and I recognize that. It's very rare that I eat my feelings anymore. If I'm stressed or blue, I work out extra hard and call my mum to talk about it. If I'm super happy or celebrating, I may splurge on a nice meal out or an exotic dessert-creation, but I don't over-indulge nearly as much as I used to. Once in a blue moon, and I really do mean that, boredom strikes, and my willpower and sense crumble for just a little while. Last night was one of those occasions. No big deal, though. I know I was bored, and I know and recognize why I ate a whole chocolate bar, so that is progress.

My diet has changed a lot over the last couple of years, especially with my elimination of a lot of junk. I really don't drink more than once or twice a month now; my tea is herbal because I can't stand caffeine; and, I incorporate a lot of raw fruits and veggies into my diet to keep my body happy. That's when I really feel my best.

So last night, when I got home from work, I had a snack attack. I'd just had three nights alone (J was in New York, working), then a night with J (although, after dinner, Resident Evil 5 won out the bid for his attention), and now I was alone again (J is in North Carolina for the weekend, visiting his brother). I caught up on my week's television shows, and did the almost-unthinkable: unwrapped the large bar of dark chocolate I've been hoarding for months.

To be honest, I'm unsure why I even had this bar of chocolate in the apartment. I have a feeling I bought it a long time ago for some culinary creation I never got around to trying. And since the apartment is devoid of snack foods and I wanted to snack, the chocolate bar had to take one for the team. It took me all of 10 minutes to regret my decision.

You see, I know better. Chocolate naturually contains caffeine, and that's why I don't really eat it much. There was one weekend, a couple of months ago, where I made a chipotle-chocolate chili, which was pretty yummy, AND I made a pan of fat-free chocolate brownies. All weekend, I ate chocolate, and boy did I pay for it come Monday morning. I couldn't understand why I was so dehydrated and I had a massive headache, until it hit me - caffeine detox. It wasn't pretty.

My snack craving won-out over common sense though, and that chocolate bar disappeared in front of my eyes. I started working on my freelance website re-design (yay for actually doing this!), and it only took a couple of hours for me to realize just what I was in for. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and my patience was dying fast. A few hours later, at 2am!, I decided to finally call it a night. But, between the caffeine from the chocolate and el mariachi blaring from our neighbor's apartment (which coincidentally has already started back up again this morning), sleep was futile. I think I finally nodded off around 4am... and like all good drugs exiting my system, I was awake at 8:30 am, unable to fall back asleep.

So, adios chocolate. I'm not eliminating you completely from my diet, but I' definitely weeding you out. I'm going to experiment more with using carob powder in baked recipes, and keep chocolate-flavored and chocolate-included culinary delights to a minimum. And in the spirit of good health, I'm having a detox weekend. I've been far too reliant on processed foods and wheat products in the last few weeks, which are taking their toll. I'm eating nothing but veggies and fruit this weekend, and it shall be glorious. No, really.

I'm actually already anticipating constant warmer weather, so I can go back to eating 95% raw. I loved my raw experiment last summer, but the cold winter called for cooked food, just because I needed to warm myself up with hearty soups and stews. Eventually, I want to eliminate almost all wheat from my diet too, but one step at a time. Sometimes I do wish I could go back to my ignorant junk food lifestyle, because I do miss some of the foods I refuse to touch now. But, then I remind myself that I was 100lbs heavier, miserable and allergic to everything, always tired and out of breath. Cheesy mashed potatoes don't seem that appealing anymore.

And to reward you for reading all of that, you get to see pictures of our (well, J's) garden. He's turned our sunroom into a greenhouse, and we have lots of tomato, cilantro, and basil sprouting. My green thumb is more brown than anything, so J leaves me detailed instructions on how to take care of his sproutlings while he's out of town. I don't get nearly excited about them as he does, but I'm definitely looking forward to fresh produce this summer! There is nothing better than a home-grown tomato. Delish!

Yummy basil and our bright pink "Red Sister".

Cilantro and various tomato plants sprouting.

More tomatoes sprouting! Roma and cherry varieties (yum)!

My beautiful orchid and Spike, the only thing I can keep alive.

A Fishy Adventure

2009-03-08T20:31:00.007-04:00

This week has been pretty spectacular. J finally had some more work (he's had a job for months, but it's been the "quiet season" for a while now, so he's been paid to sit at home for 2 months!), so I had the apartment to myself for three nights. Peace and quiet! I loved every minute of it, which sounds terrible, I'm sure. I'm just one of those introverted creatures that needs a little space of her own every now and then, to recharge. Spending three nights eating low-fat Peanut Butter Chocolate soy ice cream, watching a huge amount of movies, and spending lots of quality time with my chinchillas was just what the doctor ordered. I feel so refreshed now!

This weekend was wonderful too. Saturday, I had my last session with my trainer, D, and I rocked it out! Since I worked up such a sweat, I decided to take an adventure into Atlanta in search of Cosmo's Vegan Shoppe. I found it with no problems, and enjoyed browsing all the vegan products I could possibly want. Since cash has been tight lately, I kept my budget firmly in mind and purchased four things: Road's End Organics Spicy Nacho Chreese in a jar, Match's Frozen Crab, a fresh-baked cinnamon roll, and a cute vegan t-shirt that was on sale. (I justified the t-shirt because a) I have 1 t-shirt to wear on the weekend (yes, just 1!), and b) because it was reduced.

The verdict on the nacho cheese? I've only dipped baby carrots in it, but it reminds me of vomiting something tomato-based. Yeah, vomit. Not the best purchase.

The verdict on the cinnamon roll? Hell yeah! This thing was huge, filled with plump raisins and dripping with maple frosting. I dropped by to see my mum on the way home and shared it with her, just because this treat was begging to be enjoyed in the company of others.

The verdict on the t-shirt? It fits perfectly!

And the crab? Yum. Yum. Yum.

The funny thing with crab is that I've never cooked it before. I've always loved seafood, and that was the one thing I really missed when I stopped my destructive, meat-eatin' days. So, when I saw the crab in the vegan store, I knew it was something I had to have. I spent last night and this morning scouring omni cookbooks (belonging to J) and seafood websites, searching for the perfect recipe to try my vegan crab. In the end, I settled on an Emeril recipe for Seafood Risotto, making a lot of vegan substitutions. And let me just say, wow! I still have a buttery crab taste lingering on my lips and tongue. This dish, and the faux crab, was wonderful. And since I was serving the creamy, hearty risotto, I opted for a light side salad dressed with a tangy, fat-free lemon dressing.

Creamy Mock Crab Risotto with Tangy Lemon Salad
Serves 4

Risotto
1/2 cup chopped red onion
Salt
Fresh ground white pepper
Fresh ground black pepper
3+ cups of stock (I used Imagine's Not-Chicken Broth)
1 tsp of dulse or kelp granules (optional)
2 cloves of garlic, pressed
1 cup arborio rice
1/2lb of Match Crab (or other vegan seafood substitute)
1/8 cup of Lite Coconut Milk
2 tsp chopped green onions
1 1/2 tsp Earth Balance Margarine (optional)

1. Heat a medium pan on medium heat, and saute onion, salt and pepper for 3 minutes. (If you don't have a non-stick pan, saute the onions in a little broth or water.)

2. Add 3 cups of stock, dulse granules and garlic, and bring pan to a boil. Reduce heat to medium, and simmer for 6 minutes. Add rice, and simmer for another 12 minutes, stirring very frequently. As you near 12 minutes, you may find the rice sticking to the pan, so add a little more broth.

3. Add the seafood, and cook for another 6 minutes, still stirring frequently. You may need to add more broth. Stir in the coconut milk, green onions, and margarine, and simmer for 2 minutes. Remove from heat, and serve promptly.

Tangy Lemon Dressing
Serves 4 - A little goes a long way, as this dressing is very sharp. To tone it down a little, use Meyer lemons instead. I drizzled it over baby field greens, grape tomatoes, hothouse cucumber, and mini bell pepper rings.
1 lemon, halved
3 tbsp Nasoya Fat-free Veggie Spread (or other fat-free vegan mayonnaise)
Agave Syrup
White Balsamic Vinegar

1. Juice the lemon, and pour into a small mason jar.
2. Add the veggie spread, balsamic vinegar, and agave syrup to taste.
3. Shake jar vigorously to mix everything together, and drizzle over your favorite salad.

I thoroughly enjoyed this dinner, and it passed the omni test, unlike the vegan omelettes I made a couple of weeks ago. J is such a food critic anyway, so I always get nervous serving him up something that's an imitation. He found the risotto to be incredibly creamy, and there was definitely a crab flavor to it, although it wasn't overpowering. He was very impressed with the texture too. I'll definitely be trying out other Match products now, even if they are a little pricey!

I think I may even have a little room for a spoonful or two of soy ice cream tonight. Since I've started focusing a lot more on weight lifting at the gym, my metabolism has soared, making me want to eat everything and anything in sight. It's weird, because I'm eating more now, and still losing weight! Yay!

Brrrr!

2009-03-01T14:57:00.006-05:00

Looks like Punxsutawney Phil knows his stuff - winter is most definitely not ending any time soon. In fact, we have snow falling right now, and it's cold! Super cold. And icy.

Since it's so cold, I've been inspired by warming foods today. Breakfast was cooked this morning - a low-fat vegan omelette filled with mushrooms, onions, and spinach. Yummo! This is the fourth one I've tried making, and I've almost perfected cooking it. I was actually able to flip half of the omelette over onto the other half. It was plating my delicious creation that caused some stumbling. I still won't give up though, especially since it's so nourishing and filling. You can find the recipe here on Susan's FatFree Vegan Kitchen. I love her blog because it's full of creative, healthy, vegan dishes.

We dashed outside in the snow to take a couple of photos this afternoon, and I was inspired to warm up with food. So, to physically heat the apartment, I turned the oven on and whipped up a batch of pretty yummy fatfree vegan banana bread muffins. I'm taking those with me to the cat shelter later.

While they were imparting their aromatic warmth to our small kitchen, I decided to dice up a tropical spicy salsa to accompany my NoFish patties I have left-over from last night. Here's my sweet and tangy concoction.

Tropical Spicy Salsa
1 medium tomato, diced
1 small Brazillian papaya, diced
2 fresh mangos (or 1 lb of thawed frozen mango), diced
2 cloves of garlic, pressed
1/2 lemon, juiced
Fresh parsley or cilantro, finely diced, to taste

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and toss. Leave to marinate for as long as you can.

Time to go to the cat shelter! Stay warm!

How You Doin'?

2009-02-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

So, I'm Steph, and I want to welcome you to my little piece of the internet. A lot of you don't know me yet, but I guarantee that will change in the coming months. I do feel a little rude not properly introducing myself, but to be honest, I can't be bothered with any back story. So, without further ado, here's my first entry. Enjoy.

There's nothing I like better than starting my day out with fresh (or frozen) fruit. It's super sweet, healthy, and satisfying. Sometimes I'll break out of the mold and eat a bowl of organic cereal with fat-free soymilk, but even that gets jazzed up with chopped banana and a sprinkle of raisins. Even rarer still, I'll nosh something cooked and heavy, but then I feel sluggish all day. Fruit is the way to go!

During the week, I'm lazy when it comes to my fruity breakfast. I'd rather catch an extra 10 minutes of sleep than prepare a sumptious morning feast. Who can blame me? ;) So I rely on fruit smoothies to start my day. I just dump a thawed bag of frozen fruit, a couple of small, organic bananas, filtered water (and spinach if I'm needing extra green power) into the most awesomely ridiculous high-powered BlendTec Blender, and blend away. 2 minutes later, I'm out the door with a 64-oz mason jar of fruity goodness. It rocks! And it's a surprisingly great conversation starter, especially when my smoothie is bright green. Everyone at works wants to know "What's in there?!"

Today I have a little more luxury with my time. My second-to-last workout with my trainer D isn't for another hour, and I've already been awake for 2 hours. Oh how I laugh at the Steph that could sleep in 'til 1pm on a Saturday. I'm starting to enjoy the quiet time I get before my adorable J wakes up, so sleep-ins are a thing of the past. As you can see from the photograph up there, I opted for a delicious tropical fruit salad for breakfast. It consisted of: (yeah, past tense - that baby's all gone now!) 1 orange, 1 kiwi, 1 small banana, 1 small anjou pear, and a cup of thawed mango chunks. Yummy! After another couple glasses of water, I will be ready to rock today!

All this fruit madness brings me to a point (I swear!). I spent a good chunk of my adolescent years eating incredibly unhealthy things, especially sweets. I'm such a sucker for baked goods, omg! Cinnamon rolls, donuts, coffee cake, coconut cake, carrot cake, any-kind-of-cake... I digress. By eating all of that junk, I gained quite a few unwanted pounds. (Well, 100 of those troublemakers to be exact.) The last 2+ years has been a journey into weight loss through diet (vegan, baby!) and exercise. I'm 3 whole pounds away from my initial -100lb goal, but man are they stubborn.

Anyway, during my journey, I've done a lot of reading and research into the subject of weight loss. Until recently, most of my learning occurred in the diet realm. I spent last summer dabbling with an almost entirely raw vegan diet. (And I've found a lot of my eating habits have stuck since.) Lately I've been playing with low-fat vegan (and there was a stretch when I was practicing 80/10/10 and basically just eating fruit). I've followed stories on all the latest diet trends (and laughed at them). I'm even involved in a freelance project creating graphics and designing the interface on an iPhone calorie-counter that will rock your world. So, I know there is a lot of information out there about diet.

Earlier this week, a 2-year study was released that claims the type of diet you follow is not important for weight-loss; it's all about counting calories. This calorie-counting business has been around for a looooong time, and I happen to agree with it. It just makes sense. However, I feel like this study is misleading. It doesn't look at the whole picture. It defines weightloss as pounds and inches, not reduced bodyfat percentage. It justifies reaching for that double cheeseburger with bacon, so long as you expend more calories than you consume. So even though you have that nice trim figure, you're still a ticking bomb for a heart attack. So many diets, like this article, refuse to look at the health factor. Wouldn't it be better to lose weight AND feel fantastic because you're nourishing your body while shedding those unwanted pounds? I can't argue with that.

Eat fruit.