Learning to Love Myself

So last week was NEDAW - National Eating Disorder Awareness Week - and so I feel I should contribute, albeit a little late.

I suffer from an ED, and over the years, it has taken many forms. I've struggled with binge eating and food-hiding for as long as I can remember. My body weight/image has played a huge role in determining my happiness, and for the most part, has been the thing holding me back from being truly happy.

In high school, I suffered with bulimia for several months, before seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, she wasn't very helpful in my recovery, and I didn't realize that I had the option to find someone new. As soon as she recommended I see a psychiatrist so I could be prescribed anti-depression meds, I stopped seeing her. We never even got to the root of my disordered thinking. A couple of months later, I took health and PE in summer school, and had a particularly inspiring coach. I started running and eating healthy, and for the first time, I felt confident about myself.

I wish I could say that confidence has lasted through college and beyond, but there have been repeated cycles of disordered thinking, mostly as a result of abusive relationships. Last year was a prime example. I was incredibly unhappy in my relationship, but unable to even acknowledge how I really felt. Instead, I dove into working out and healthy eating. On the outside, everything looked really healthy. I was getting stronger and leaner, reaching a fitness level I've never achieved before. But behind the mask, I was becoming obsessed. It was a numbers game - counting calories in and calories out, tracking inches and pounds lost or gained, pushing myself harder and harder to meet new strength and fitness goals. And when I finally cracked under the pressure I was putting on myself, my depression and bulimia resurfaced with aggression. It was so easy to hide it all when my partner was constantly out of town.

However, after a month of continually spiraling behaviors and emotions, I confided in my partner, and he urged me to seek help. I've been in therapy since the end of September, and I've made a lot of progress. It hasn't been easy in the slightest, and I still have a long journey ahead of me. But, I am recovering. I'm learning to love myself, and my body, for what it is and what it can do now. I'm learning to stop suppressing my feelings and hiding in food, instead turning to healthier outlets like working out (in moderation), talking to those that are close to me, and reading. I no longer weigh myself, count calories, or follow specific workout plans. I'm a real woman, and I have curves, and that's totally acceptable. I don't have to force myself to exercise to attain some impossible body ideal; instead, I exercise in ways I enjoy (like running and Turbo Jam) as part of a healthy lifestyle. I'm enjoying a new and healthy relationship, for the first time in my life. And I'm finally learning to let go of the guilt I associate with food. Eating is a natural part of life, and it's to fuel my body and to be enjoyed. While I may not be able to keep a jar of peanut butter or a box of cookies in the pantry yet (known trigger foods), I know that one day it will be a reality.

If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, please seek help. It's not an easy thing to do, but you owe it to yourself, even if it's just confiding in a friend or a parent. We are all worth so much more than we give ourselves credit.